Letter from Tonaiva

I hadn't read the blog in a while, just opened it today. I can't contain my laughter. This is hilarious. You should definitely add to "Top 10 Ways to Identify a Cult." The comic relief is needed.

I look back and am amazed that that was my life. It seems like everyone I talk to that participated in the group has a broken heart. He created everything from A to Z, but won't take responsibility for anything. It's just bizarre.

I tried...I really, really tried to hold on, to see something higher in everything that was happening. I think I have tried harder than most to see beyond the lies....and see God working through that being. Finally, after a year of this, I'm totally disenchanted. You could say, "Gee, that girl is slow." Or you could just say, "Wow that girl didn't want to feel the pain of realizing what her dear master had become." You could say a lot of things, but it doesn't matter. I don't judge myself. How could I? I just want love. How can I judge anyone now? I just feel like I'd like to say, "I'm sorry," to everyone whose heart has been broken-- If he would have only been honest, taken responsibility, practiced what he shared with all of us, and didn't use his position to get everything that he desired, maybe it could have worked. Aye.

I'm at a middle road in my life now. I don't know what to do. Go to school? Move back to Austin? Colorado where my sister lives? California? Maybe I'll go live abroad for a while. Everything has changed for me. I've learned so much since I've been on this "island" of geographic hell out in the middle of desolation. That is that I am strong and have a lot to do and see yet. I also learned that I can't judge where anyone is at, because I don't know how things will change. Like I said, a year has passed, and I see things completely different now. I've shut so many people out that I cared for. When people would share stuff in class, confronting Angelo, I would feel really uncomfortable and just think that they were in the mind. Turns out, they were waking up. Gee, wow....sorry about that.

I need to love myself and blossom into what I am. I was so hypnotized for so long--and now my heart is just broken. It's been a ride. I have to say.... It was beautiful to have a family so large for all those years--I loved that--and in my innocence, I loved everyone 100%. I experienced a lot of joy, love, expansion, and depth. I loved having a master--he was the magical element in my fantasy. It was like being a little girl in a magical story (where everything was wonderful). I enjoyed the last 13 years (most of it). I really really did. So, thank you, everyone for sharing all those years with me!!!

Now, if I can just let go of my anger and sadness, I will relax enough go into my experience of god. Angelo would always say that if you disagree with and question the master and ultimately leave the group, the grace will be taken away, and you'll have nothing to connect to. How f*cked up is that! How totally manipulative and f*cked up is that?! Letting that programmed fear go is still happening....I'm still letting go.

Anyway, there's so much more to write....will write more soon.

Love Always,