Tower:12.Exposed!

I got Lute’s email when I was at work. I skimmed through it and my jaw dropped open. At first glance, I thought it was hilarious. I was one of the few that had Angelo’s email address, so I forwarded it to him immediately. The second thing I did was to call Vidal to make sure he had gotten it. He hadn’t, so I started reading it to him. He happened to be cutting Simone’s hair at the time. I read a little bit and before I had even read a full paragraph, Simone started freaking out and so I sent them a copy to read on their own. As I continued to read, I was still laughing because so much of it was either rumors that I had heard before and believed were false, or stuff that I thought was ridiculous. I remember thinking that it sounded like it was written by a child. Which had been my same reaction to Euripedes’ letter years ago. I think that’s how a lot of people related to Angelo… from a child’s perspective. So many times our actions could come across childish. I remember reading Lute’s email and so many of the things were like a child going, “he did this and he did this and then he did this.” I was still thinking it was funny and knew it was going to stir things up. But I didn’t think it would be the end of the group or anything. Bear in mind, I knew that Angelo was flawed by this time. I wasn’t one of the people that thought he was perfect and godlike and never in his mind. So I sort of dismissed all revelations of that as unimportant. I just figured that the email had been a reaction to something that had been going on. I had been hearing rumblings for a few days of something that was stirring. Specifically, I heard that he had put a move on Donner. Those kinds of rumors weren’t new. It was very obvious when he was flirting with one of the guys. He would pay special attention to them, he would go to great lengths to include them, he would always be looking at them, he’d have them strip in front of class. You know.. .the normal flirting when you have absolute power. So the fact that there would be a rumor like that wasn’t surprising. And I heard the counter-rumor pretty quickly also… that Donner was making the whole thing up… in a desperate bid for Angelo’s attention. That he was in his mind and he should be dealt with compassionately but firmly. But by this time, I could recognize the potential of this as one of Angelo’s villainizing attempts. That’s what would happen sometimes. Sometimes someone would need to be discredited, for one thing or another, and Angelo would call a bunch of people and talk about how “off” that person was. So there would be this “pressuring” that happened. People would call out of the blue to share with you because you’re so “confused” at the moment. It’s very tangible when it’s happening to you, but it’s hard to define anything specific that they are doing.

Anyway, because I had heard about the Donner thing, I wasn’t surprised someone had a reaction to it, but it was a much more public reaction than usually happened. I WAS surprised that it was from Lute because I hadn’t heard his name associated with the drama. I knew that there were a number of people that were reacting to the incident, because evidently something similar had happened before but they had been assured that it wasn’t happening anymore. But one of the things the email did that hadn’t happened before, was to name names and incidents and tell people if they wanted to know what happened to go ask so and so. It was about more than just the Donner incident. This is my experience of how it unfolded:

I was just one of the people in the group as this played out and it was fascinating to watch. I was hearing the rumors of what was happening. And then I’d see Angelo’s response/reaction in trying to squelch each rumor as it came up. But each thing he did seemed to feed the fire. The rumor was that Angelo made a move on Donner and, when rebuffed, started a villainizing campaign to make sure Donner wouldn’t be believed if he told someone what had happened. Donner, in his confusion, sought clarity from some of his older brothers and sisters in the Knowing. Those individuals reacted strongly, because they had heard (or been part of) similar incidents in the past with Angelo and were fed up. They went to Angelo about it and he denied anything of the sort happened. Then, what happened was something unique in my experience with the group. A lot of people that had spent their whole time in the group defending Angelo and his actions were strangely silent. To be sure, there were a lot of voices still defending him. But it was all the people who had no real credibility. And people began to talk to each other. When it was clear that the “it never happened” defense was not going to work… the official spin became that “something happened, but not what is being presented. Angelo is a spiritual master and sometimes that involves working with people on their karma -- on a sexual level if they have hangups and things.” Again, the defenses seemed weak because why was it only ever the good-looking male disciples that he worked with in that way? So, again, the defenses of “how ridiculous! Angelo is far too Divine to see such male/female distinctions.” And then coincidentally, he had a few girls take their tops off on our next Sunday outing. And then “someone” made the point of, “See? He works with everyone – male and female. And if people have sexual hangups, they’ll think it’s something that it’s not.” Very see-through and not many bought it. So, immediately on the heels of that came the acknowledgement that yes, Angelo was gay and in a committed relationship with Simone. They were really spinning their wheels then. So what happened to the “he’s above such things” of two days before? Right, that was bullshit. So why should we believe this now? Every lame response seemed to go over like a ton of bricks. Now, in twos and threes, like Noah’s ark in reverse… people started leaving. Now we were in full damage control mode. But some of the people doing damage control (while talking to people in trying to deal with it) would be given all the details and then THEY would feel betrayed and try to confront Angelo. Suddenly, people were being called and told not to talk to the people that had left the group. So, of course, that just heightened curiosity and confusion. These were brothers and sisters that had been in the group for 15-20 years and suddenly they were to be avoided. What was going on? And then, the email came out.

It didn’t go to everyone, but it went to enough of us that it couldn’t be swept under the rug (like the Euripedes letter.) I didn’t expect the letter to have much of an impact but to be honest, that’s because I was still under the influence of the Kool-Aid at the time. But, for good or ill, the email got people talking. About all the things that had been kept quiet for years. You see, it seems that everyone had a tiny piece of a puzzle and, taken individually, you couldn’t see the picture. It was only when you put it all together that you could make out the picture clearly. And it wasn’t a flattering picture of Angelo. But the picture it was drawing didn’t match my own experience of him. He never acted toward me in any inappropriate way. And shouldn’t I go by my own experience of my friend, rather than believing someone else’s story? Isn’t that what friendship is all about? Set aside the whole “master” thing for a moment (because a disciple is never to believe anyone except his master in any situation). Just focus on your friend. Or your mate. Doesn’t being their friend mean standing beside them to help them weather attacks on their character like this? Standing strong in your OWN experience of them, rather than jumping aboard someone else’s experience of them? That’s what I had always felt, so that’s what I was doing. I would meet each rumor with, “He’s never been that way with me. That’s not at all my experience of him. Perhaps it was a misunderstanding?” But one after another, the accusations continued to pile up. From different people. All with the same story. So how long do you stand by your friend before it becomes “aiding and abetting?”

For me, the final straw actually came a few weeks after the email came out. I was at a dinner at Dharma’s house and there were a dozen or so people there. Donner was one of them. At one point during the meal, someone asked Donner something about what had happened. And he started to tell his story. That’s kind of when my reality came crashing in. Not about Angelo approaching him sexually. For me, it was the years in cleansing that Angelo had spent telling Donner that he was gay. Having him imagine himself sexually with guys that we had just seen in a ballet performance. I don’t think Donner even knew how insidious it was… what he was saying… because he just glossed over it with a couple of sentences and went on to “the incident.” He glossed over the fact that for years, Angelo had been using cleansing to “condition” him. I had always heard the sex rumors but I had always – ALWAYS – assumed it was between two consenting adults if anything was going on. I had not taken into consideration the fact that it COULD NOT be consensual. Not really. One person was the therapist, the leader, the spiritual parent and the other was the spiritual child that was never supposed to say no or to question the master. I don’t think most people that weren’t in the group can understand this. Even though they were not children, they were the equivalent of a spiritual child. They are in a realm where they don’t know right from wrong, what’s bad touch… and they are looking to this elder leader for the guidance of that. What should they be doing? What is right? What is wrong? And they look to their spiritual parent, their therapist, their master… for those answers. Things slid into place so solidly for me the collision was almost tangible. The years of using cleansing to manipulate someone into his bed astonished me. Someone coming to you with an open heart, asking to be shown the way to love God more, and he (the only word that fit) MOLESTED them! He took that open heart and guided it toward the fulfillment of his own selfish ends. I looked around and saw Ryker and Xena and their faces seemed as shaken as I felt. We were all taken aback as Donner continued to talk on… probably unaware of our reaction. I remember feeling very strongly like, “Oh my God, this is every Oprah episode I’ve ever seen on molestation”. With me in the role of the older brother who has been dismissing tales of his younger sibling being molested because “it never happened to me so it must not be that. You must be mistaken.” Which is what they always said on Oprah (thank God for that show!) I remember thinking that what he was telling was exactly how molested kids talk. Even the phrasing that he used, I thought, “God, this sounds exactly like a KID that has been molested”. And I’m feeling like I was one of those people that had just sat back and allowed it to happen. You know the ones I’m talking about. The people you see on the show and think no one could possibly be so clueless. But yes, that was me.

Donner was straight. Some of the other guys that were approached like that are straight… but still, it never occurred to me. Even through my own experience in cleansings, it didn’t occur to me that people would be so unable to say no. Because that was not the case with me. And it didn’t occur to me that everyone didn’t have the internal strength or work that I had done on myself to not go with that. Or maybe they were just more surrendered than I could ever be. I mean, this was the master. We were never to deny the master anything. Anything he asks of us, we leap to do. To deny him, would not just reap some serious repercussions but it’s your SOUL that you’re screwing with. Anyway… that was it for me. It was at that moment that I realized I was done. Angelo was manipulating people, hurting the very people that were coming to him for love and help. Not only was he not taking responsibility for what he had done, he was turning and demonizing them when they would not respond as he wanted. If I continued in the group, I would be condoning that. Contributing to it. I couldn’t possibly do that. I think I sat silently for the rest of the meal as people asked Donner questions. I remember when I left that night, I was saying goodbye to Dharma at the door and that’s when the first tears started. I told her I felt complicit and dirty. That I felt like I had been forced to participate in something that I could never have knowingly supported. So, that was the big issue for me. Not the sex. In our society, so much focus is put on sex so people tend to focus on that part. But between two consenting adults, I don’t have a problem with that. Nor all the other stuff in that email. It was the realization of Angelo taking the open, trusting hearts offered to him and twisting them to his own ends.

Angelo fled town a few days later. Lute was basically going to go to the authorities and Simone and Angelo were on the phone trying to come up with a compromise that would prevent him from doing that. Lute was obviously at the end of his rope because every agreement that they had made previously, they had renegged on (as was typical.) So, to say there was no trust that they would abide by any agreement is an understatement. But finally, Lute agreed to back down if Angelo left town and did not start up Satsang meetings again and did not call people here to come and join him. Let me be clear on this point. This was Simone’s suggestion, not Lute’s. I emphasize that point because even though Angelo left town, he has not held to his side of the agreement. He continues to have Satsang meetings. And the disciples he left here are constantly going to visit him in his new location. Some of them have relocated there. Some have relocated to other areas before they will ultimately join him. So, it seems, that this is not over. Not yet.

So, as it turned out, I never had the opportunity to actually leave the group. The “little old ladies” with the Knowing that had been left in charge evidently decided that I was not a desirable element. I had never officially joined “Those Who Left.” And, because of my own internal choice and because I had not received an invitation to continue with the group, I was not among “Those Who Remain.” By default, I became one of “Those Who Were Severed.” These weren’t official names or anything. I think everyone came up with little pet names. I heard that “Those Who Remain” actually referred to themselves as “The Committed” and those who left as “The Fallen Angels.” While I thought “The Committed” sounded like it could be true, I thought it more likely that they called us “The Misguided” than associating us with angels in any way. Either way, I find all the names hilarious.