Justice: 4. Fast, Fast, Unbelievably Fast

My only previous exposure to anything like this was with my psychic roommate. We would ask the Ouija Board questions… the typical questions, but once I asked, “What is God?” and the thing said, “Finally!” Then somehow it started giving a message about meditation and it said to close my eyes and I did.. and suddenly I became aware of all this blue light moving up… I didn’t really think anything of it. I asked the Board what it was and it said, “That’s your energy.” --- So when the white light happened with Angelo I thought, “Oh, that’s more of that energy.” In the actual cleansing, I don’t remember specific details…. Who cares? Thinking back to all this stuff… just really sickens me… I remember I’d be sitting in satsang and Angelo would keep looking at me -- for 10 minutes at a time. And it was so embarrassing. Remember I’m somebody that hates them singing Happy Birthday to me, so this type of attention is really making me feel on edge. And wondering what everyone was going to think... because I definitely felt it was a come-on. And I wasn’t comfortable with it at all. But it kept happening.

But I still didn’t really have direct contact with Angelo, so I was getting my info/guidance from Receptika. Unfortunately, she was being played by Angelo (in his attempts to get me into the group) and I think that’s what ultimately made her leave the group. She had a crush on me. I had told her right off that I was gay. I was really scared to tell her (remember the time period… you didn’t really tell people you were gay). I wasn’t used to telling random people… but she was obviously making advances so I felt I had to. She was bummed out about that but Angelo was still coaching her on how to interact with me. She was just one of the manipulations thrown my way to get me into the group.

Anyway. After a few weeks of my going to these Satsang meetings, my roommate started getting concerned so she wanted to come with me to one. So I took her and she and Angelo had a stare-down at that meeting. And then I had her on one side, telling me what she thought of what was going on and then Angelo would be telling me (through Receptika – I didn’t have direct contact with Angelo at that time) “Who is that girl you brought? She has dark energy.” My roommate was telling me that I should make my own choices and being cool about it, but she was shocked when suddenly Receptika told me I needed to get out of her house – that there was another place for me to live – the Sumac house. A real nice house where Xavier, Hisminia and Leitch lived. They said, “This is a big priviledge… this doesn’t usually happen… you’ve only been around a short time…” Because this was all happening really quick with me. There was a big hierarchy at the time. People didn’t get in close very quickly. Angelo didn’t really let anybody in… even the older beings. He was keeping his privacy in those days (except for the Conrads and the Quentins and his other boys… but I didn’t know about them at the time. Receptika knew about them though and I think she put it together that he was grooming me to be his next boy… and it was freaking her out.) So, he had me move out of my house and my roommate was shocked. It all happened so quickly, she didn’t know what to do. Before she knew it, I had moved out and she was cut off. No communication. Because I was told not to contact her and I didn’t. When he said not to contact your old friends and family, I took it as absolute. I mean, with the promise of what was being offered… this is what you have to do to become free. This is what you have to do to become who you are. And I wanted that. I was so surpressed. So uptight. My big goal was to get into soap operas. (Stop laughing over there, Tower.) Seriously. I took a commercial acting class and I was so uptight. I was a poser – with nothing authentic to give. I was a cardboard cutout. Because of the gay thing, and the AIDS thing… because of all of it… I had no access to who I was. And they were promising that here. They were promising God. “Be a good boy so God will love you.” Super daddy. Somehow, this inanimate energy will tell me I AM good, I AM worthy, I AM whatever.. it would give me the meaning of life and that’s what it’s all about. I remember getting to LA and seeing all these bumper stickers: I Love Sailing, I Love Fencing… and I had no idea what I loved. I had no idea what I liked. I honestly didn’t. And it scared me.

I came to things so fast. It’s unbelievable how quickly things moved for me. And that upset people… Receptika , Hebetudino… the older beings that saw things being given to me. I was trying to tiptoe around the attention. I’m really good at picking up subtle cues – how I’m expected to act. Not knowing if that’s what works for me or not… just knowing that that’s what’s expected and I pick up on it so easily. So it was like, “This is happening but keep it to yourself. Don’t shove this in people’s faces.” The words were never said, but I knew that was what was supposed to happen. So I did it. Yet Angelo didn’t seem to give a shit. He started picking me up at my house to go to the beach for the weekend. That probably started about a month after I moved in. He did it with Lute too for a while. Me and Lute. Looking back, I think he was trying to groom both of us. (we came at around the same time) For a while on the weekends, it was the three of us hanging out. But I think Angelo saw pretty quickly that Lute wasn’t going to play the game. But me… he had me coming and going. And my interactions with others was severely restricted. I was now living in the Sumac House with Xavier (a quadriplegic) who, right away, started having me help him out a lot. Really, between Xavier and work, I didn’t have much time at all. Receptika was my PERSON. The one who brought me. So those were basically the only people I was able to hang out with.