If I've Learned Anything, It's To Go With My Gut

It's tremendously gratifying that anyone has gained some peace/healing/solace from this site. But this week I have learned that there are still those that have a lot of healing to do. Those for whom the wounds are still really raw. I understand that and have compassion for it. But my friends have shared the stories of their experiences with me, trusting that I will treat their stories with the respect they deserve. I feel like I have been partially successful at that and that this site has been really helpful to some people. I love that.

But for some (those that are still so far from being healed), it felt more like dumping chum in shark-infested waters. I know in marketing you are hoping to create such a feeding frenzy... but that's not what was intended here. Again, no one that I have talked to has any desire to be part of any sort of attack. Ironically, those who seem the most justified in feeling that way seem to have the least desire to be part of that. At least of the people I've talked to. They just want to continue healing and move on with their lives. After what we have all been through, can anyone blame them? I know this won't make sense to some of you with no access to what is going on behind the scenes, but I have to trust my instincts on this.

However, the results I have had doing the interviews themselves has only been extremely positive. As Justice expressed to me:

I’ve found that doing the interview has let me put this even further to rest. I’m almost treating it like a time capsule, where I can give this vessel the load of bearing it instead of carrying it myself. So I can let go of that alarmist voice inside of me, that wants to remember this to make sure I never fall for it again. It’s all documented now. It’s preserved. So I don’t need to carry it around to make sure it’s not forgotten. I can let it heal. I can give the facts to this great little service that you’re doing. I can let it carry this experience for me and I can be done.

That was my hope from the beginning. So I'm going to continue to do the interviews but, for the moment, I'm going to refrain from posting them. I'm going to focus on doing them, transcribing them, anonymizing them and editing them. Eventually, I'll definitely make them available to you. But I'm going to have to trust my instincts on the timing and how to do it. Hopefully, you'll understand. I know if you've done an interview you will.

The stories that are already on the site pretty much tell the tale. The more stories there are, the clearer the picture will become. And that will happen eventually. I'm going to have to play it by ear. And what helped me to see this was the following response from Justice (he did the interview before he knew about the site and had this to say after reading it):

I have to say, this has all been a big plus for me. I did the interview without having seen the web site. After the interview, I read the site and it has been very, very helpful. And I couldn’t tell you exactly why. When I’m reading the interviews… I catch myself trying to find mistakes or to shoot it down. Even reading the draft of my own -- I catch myself trying to root out the truth – the one thing that’s going to make sense of it all.

That’s the same thing in me that looked for the perfect teacher.. the thing the movies say is beyond reproach. The ultimate. We all try to protect ourselves -- so we develop the habit of looking at something and trying to find the flaw. Trying to find the excuse that allows us to dismiss it. And that’s a real mistake. Because nothing on this plane is absolute. There is no ONE answer. The secret to me is that everything has some good and some bad – and there is really no difference between them. There’s nothing to protect myself from. I can be vulnerable and not worry that someone is going to let me down. Because OF COURSE they will. Everyone does at one time or another. And if they don’t, be wary -- because they’re not being real with you.

It might be as simple as saying that it’s given me an adult version of living. Not this child looking for SuperSomebody. Reading everyone’s story, people are just sharing where they were at in that moment and that’s what it is. Everyone is just wanting to live a healthy, full, complete life -- that’s Super in and of itself. The details may have a bunch of twists and turns, but the big picture view is that that’s the perfection. That’s where I can find the thing to trust and rely in. This thing that protects everyone by letting growth and transformation be available to those that want it. And that’s perfect. When people are ready. They’ll receive it. And along the way, nothing is perfect. And that IS perfect.