Justice: 16. Free and Clear
I was in the group from 1987 until 2005… 18 years… something like that. Why did I stay that long? I think that’s something I’m going to be trying to figure out for a long time. That’s something that scares me about myself. And you just don’t come up with that answer quickly…because you don’t want to repeat that behavior.. that weakness. So, I’m trying to find out. I think a lot of it has to do with low self-esteem, insecurity… not questioning authority… thinking I don’t have a voice… all those little things. I try to reassure myself that if I’m a vibrant healthy human being, I’m not going to fall into any of those problems. If I’m the thing I want to be, on the course I am right now… it’s not going to happen again. Why it happened in the first place… probably millions of little reasons all came together and just stacked it so high against me that I wanted to hide in something that was promising safety. Unfortunately, that too was a lie. In some ways it was safe, but in most ways it wasn’t. I’m still angry. So, why I stayed… the camaraderie, the beautiful love, the precious moments I saw, the God I came to know, the surrender. There were a million reasons that I stayed also. Some had to do with weaknesses, and some had to do with the beautiful things I was witnessing that I didn’t think I could find anywhere else.
My life outside the group is just starting to develop now. I’m enjoying my work. I keep growing and challenging myself to not stay in any weak parts of my ego. Self-monitoring has been beautiful. I’ve found that nothing else is needed from an outside source but everything can be used to grow. I’m just starting to make new friends and enjoying that. And feeling comfortable in it. Everything has its plusses and minuses. That’s one of the things that makes life beautiful. And there’s not any one thing that you need to make it great. It’s all sweet and I just want to taste a little bit of everything. It’s a beautiful, beautiful world. New people I meet now say, “OK, you were stupid then and now you’re not.” But they can still tell that something really profound happened for me. And they respect it. Even if, when they hear the details they’re like, “Are you freakin’ crazy?”
I felt like I went full circle in the group -- where I wasn’t blaming anything or anyone for why I left. I just had to move on. It wasn’t like, “I have to run from this hell hole.” If it had offered what I was looking for, then maybe I could have stayed. Hmm… actually , maybe not. I stopped getting behind-the-scenes views but with what I already knew … and the way things worked… I’d still hear things. And some of it would really upset me. Like when I would hear he had a new “boy”…. Fratelo would say someone was “behind closed doors now.” We didn’t talk about it… really. No one talked about it. But that was the code to tell me that person was his f.ck buddy now.
Ironically, I can see the magnetism of the Buddha Field more clearly now – how Angelo does what he does. I can see the progression of how it takes over.. and for the new ones coming in, I have compassion. But I also realize something in them is asking for it. I have a lot of disdain for the ones that are there and have seen all the bullshit… and the devastating effect it has had on some people. No respect. And even if they left today… it ain’t gonna be easy for them. Yeah, there is an element of brainwashing that everybody is in, even if they think they are not. That’s why it’s hard to answer that “Why did you stay?” question. One answer to that is because you’ve been mind-f.cked by someone who is very good at it. You’re doing things you wouldn’t normally do. You bite the bait once. And then you bite again. And then you’re addicted. So there’s part of me that understands the ones that are still part of the group… the ones that know the bullshit but can’t walk away. But if I was to see them today. Forget it. Everybody can do what they do, but for me, I’m done.
Thinking about my experience now, in this interview, is so weird. So much of it was so weird. And I think a lot of it I blanked out. It’s coming back in pieces… not blanked out.. let’s say.. I can’t make sense of it. I don’t understand it. Some of the stuff I did. It was a different person. Not who I am today. And that’s all I care about really. I think as I get healthier, that might get resolved. My experience might become more integrated… so I can help myself and others with it. It’ll definitely give me compassion.
I had already left by the time the email from Lute came out but someone forwarded it to me. I was actually glad it happened. I was glad somebody did it. I never would have thought that would happen.
I was mentioned in the email. But really, no one really came to ask me about it. It stirred people up for sure… but no one really had the balls to ask me. I think a couple of girls asked me when we were out to dinner or something… it just came up casually. But no one came and said, ”I want to chip away at the facts on here.” They didn’t want to know. The truth is too hairy so you try to stay numb and find a way to not think about it. Because the alternative is too intimidating for most people.
Out of respect for what other people were getting out of the Buddha Field, I didn’t keep in contact with anybody when I left. I didn’t want to rock anyone’s world. If they were happy living two hills over, I wasn’t going to destroy that for them. And to be honest, I was actually shocked the email had an impact. I thought people knew and just didn’t care. Even now, I’ve only said something to people if they asked me about it. To date, maybe that’s a dozen people or so. I’ve got no campaign or anything. I don’t need to ram anything down people’s throats. I understand that it’s not pretty. I want just enough information to make an informed choice and that’s it. I don’t need to know every gross morbid detail. It’s just information I don’t need. Like watching the news. You get all this shit thrown at you and at some point you just turn it off. I know what’s right. I know what fits the way I want to live and I already have enough information to make that decision… so…
The facts in the email Lute sent was true enough. The money stuff, some of that was a little exaggerated as far as I knew. But, like I said, it was all true enough. You could add some other details that were left out to make it more true and more shocking.. so it all balances out…
On the healing scale… I think I’m a seven out of 10.
What happens from here for me, I don’t know. I’m debating whether a healthy sexual relationship is part of a healthy ego. I’m not yearning or searching for anything now. I’m open to whatever. For the first time it feels like I can choose. I think maybe a healthy sexual relationship will be a sign that I’m healthy again. Most of the world seems to think that’s good for you. I’m still trying to get comfortable relating to people and with intimacy. All of it. We’ll see. That’s something that’s still out there for me, undone. The main thing is that I don’t walk around now with this cloud over me thinking some horrific thing is going to happen to me in the next moment. Not a conscious thought.. a subconscious feeling. Like someone is going to come and take this life away from me. That fear is slowly leaving me but it was on my back for a while after I left the Buddha Field. It’s getting weaker and weaker. Now, my approach to spirituality is effortless. The state I operate in most of the time is just a beautiful connected place.
