Justice: 20. Saying Goodbye
I don’t think there’s anything left to say to the people that are still with him. To me, Lute’s email was enough for anyone to make a judgment on whether they wanted to continue with the group or not. It doesn’t hold water to say, “It didn’t happen to me.” But OK, let’s say they see it that way. Now they know what was in that email so they can see how he operates from now on.. how he says what he says… “Who cared if I f.cked a goat?” Subtle little things that, once you know the stuff going on behind the scenes, there’s no excuse anymore. Because after you know, you can never hear him in the same way again. He’s giving away his agenda all the time. And agendas are agendas.
The thing I’m getting from people these days, people that weren’t in the group. They respect who I am, but they don’t understand how I could give my life away like that. Give myself away. That’s partly because they can’t understand the good part of what happened in the Buddha Field. There’s another part for most people that’s like, “Where is your common sense?” But that’s on me. I’m sure I still have stuff to resolve. And I still have time. And I don’t hesitate at all. As soon as it comes up, I’ll address it. With whoever and however it needs to happen. But I like the way I’m going about. It feels really clean now.
Absolutely I was brainwashed. How do I know? Because I lost my voice. It’s like those dreams where you see something going on and you’re trying to say something about it but you can’t. THAT’S IT. I could see something going on and I felt like I was trying to point it out but I had lost my voice. I was in somebody else’s mindset. My brain was not accessible to me to make decisions. He always mentioned we could never make decisions of our own because they were filtered through the voices of our past. I see now he just wanted us to replace them with his voice. Not find our own. But some of the basics, the simple zen truths, is stuff I hold true to this day. But all the interpretations and the quirky lifestyle, from diet to relationships to health… all of that was not my thing. That was somebody else’s thing I adopted. But I’m not the type that wants to say I know what’s right for everybody else. I really do trust that that thing will fall apart on its own. If Lute didn’t do what he did, then something else would have happened. It’s obvious. The universe keeps trying over and over. To right that wrong. To correct the mis-coursed part. There’s something re-aligning things all the time. I don’t think anything else is needed when it comes to that. But that’s just me. Others might feel differently.
As far as Angelo goes, I feel done. My initial reaction if I saw him would be to say F.ck You probably. If I saw him face to face. If he even gave me one weird look… he would have to be so humble in his eyes for me to give him more than that. And I don’t think he’s capable of it. I think he’s lost in his dream. I just feel like, “Thank God I’m out” What’s good about my situation is that I think I went full circle. I went as far as I could. I gave it everything I could except my actual physical breathing life. Or my death. And I owe it nothing. And it owes me nothing. It’s done. Completely done.
