Justice: 6. The Retreats and Hawaii

The Arrowhead retreat was that first year. I loved that. That must have happened right as I came… because we weren’t fooling around sexually. I think we were doing the weekend trips to the beach at that point… but Arrowhead was the first time he called me in after the movie night… and I went into the room with Martina, Gabato and Quinten and Angelo was bitching and moaning about how his body hurt and how no one can do anything and saying, “You’re all assholes.” So then he had me try to crack his back for him. I had just gone to the chiropractor for the first time in my life for that car wreck thing… and that’s all I knew about chiropractic.. and he had me do an adjustment on him and -- unfortunately -- it cracked. And then he was yelling at them, “How can this guy do it and you can’t?” He was such a mental f.cker. So demeaning to everyone. He sent me on my way after that. Arrowhead, I loved… because I was just part of the group. I was living with everybody else. I was in hog heaven. Those silent hikes through the woods and just meditating… aaahhh… I just loved it. There were some weird parts... the beings in the Knowing had their own cabin -- and there was already this hierarchy attitude. I could feel that right off the bat to tell you the truth. But it didn’t matter to me. I was there for my own reasons and I was getting something out of it.

My Knowing Session was the one in Mammoth. I remember that he had everybody worked up to such a fever pitch. And I was going along for that ride. It was all about God. And what was about to be revealed. And right up until the Knowing Session, he was telling me, “I can’t guarantee I’m going to reveal anything to you just because you’re around.” And I was OK with that. It was fine. Sincerely. And at that time, he was doing such a drama act with his body. It was all about how he’s gearing up for this big thing and it’s taking so much out of his body. Just so demanding. I know it had me exhausted. I remember at one point Angelo was saying how hard it was with this surge of energy going through him and over and over we were trying to help him and fix it… so at one point I was crying upstairs… I remember having to work up the cry… it was more just like pressure and anxiety and I needed to cry. And Angelo came up and asked why I was crying and I said it was because of what was going on with his body and how it was killing him…but it was more just tension and pressure. And I remember when I asked for the Knowing. I was just sobbing. Because he asked, “Do you want to know God?” And yes, that was so important to me. Unfortunately, I’d seen him do his propaganda stuff too much because I’m very aware of the line between being worked into an emotional pitch and legitimate surrender? Anyway, it’s the day of the session and Angelo is going around the circle and I’m hearing people reacting all along the way and he gets to me and started doing the technique. And yeah, I saw what I was supposed to see and where that’s coming from or why that’s happening is OK… but I guess he wanted everybody to hear Justice react in some way. So he pressed so freaking hard I thought my eyeballs were going to pop out and I just let out this really guttural cry – a nonverbal “Get the f.ck off of me.” And so he got off. And then later, Martina comes up and says, “It was so beautiful to hear how you reacted when he revealed the light to you. It was so primal.” And all that bullshit. Whatever. Because in between every technique he revealed, he pulled me off into his bedroom to do a body adjustment. And while we’re in there, he’s his old bitchy moany self. Out there, he’s “on” and he’s this other thing… there were certain times and certain things that were undeniable checkpoints for me. And that was one of them. There’s this huge prestigious ceremony happening… something that never happens, right? I’m open and vulnerable to receive the experience of God…earthquakes and lightening outside because of what’s going on… and we get into that room and he’s just old Angelo. You know what I mean? He’s pulling me out of having God’s face revealed and taking me out of that so I can fix his body. Oh… interesting. You know?

I was actually revealed the Holy Word before that… me and Yasminia… back in LA. I think she was having a real hard time with Angelo and the “he doesn’t love me” issues. So he gave her the Holy Word before everyone else. And he gave it to me too after we got back from Hawaii, because those first two Hawaii trips were… I don’t know how I made it.

The first trip to Hawaii must have been before my first year was over. And being in Hawaii with Angelo… ugh.. that was terrible. It was the worst. Before we went, he was always prepping me to be left behind, like “I can’t guarantee you’re going to Hawaii with me” and I was like, “Fine. Whatever.” I also didn’t want to stand out in that way. Because I was so NEW! This little green aspirant. And I knew it would blow minds if I went to Hawaii. You know? If I couldn’t walk into the satsang meeting late because I was worried about what people would think, how was I going to do this? And that trip didn’t go away on it’s own right away. I always had that “What are people going to think?” thing. So yeah, at the last minute… he tells me I’m going to Hawaii with him. So, it’s me, Martina and NoOne I think. And just getting him ready… Martina was doing a lot of that at that point, so I was more just watching it all. But the thought of leaving was horrible. I had just gotten with Pépé Leputois about two months before that and I was head over heels for him. I was so in love. But then I had to go to Hawaii. For who knows how long… I wasn’t told anything about how long it would be for or what to prepare for or anything. So I go. Off to Hawaii.

When we get to Hawaii, the routine immediately starts. NoOne leaves to shop for groceries, Martina goes off to do service for something and I’m left there with Angelo. We stayed in the room until noon or one every day and then we went to the beach. I was under watch 24/7. I couldn’t get to a phone. I couldn’t call Pépé Leputois, or my parents… I don’t know what I could have told them anyway… I didn’t know week to week how long I’d be there. So for my job and everything… and if I would start to ask there was this, “How dare you!” response. And remember me? I pick up on cues fast. I learned immediately what would go over well and what wouldn’t. And I couldn’t go anywhere. And Martina was watching me like a hawk. She was such a cunt in that way. I don’t hate her or anything, but she was a cunt in that she had her little life and she made sure all her stuff was taken care of and just threw me to the wolves. She knew what she was putting me into. She knew. I think that NoOne knew at that point too, but I know Martina knew. Because she found the locket that Angelo had given me in his bed one morning and with how she said what she said when she handed it back to me, I knew she knew. And it was really… I felt like a tortured slave there because, really… we worked HARD. Every morning.. Angelo’s routine was… you get him up, you get him ready, you get him bodywork, you take him through his ballet, you get his breakfast set up, you clean up his breakfast… I didn’t get to sit down for a second. We did everything. He doesn’t put on his own shoes, you know? And, like I said, Martina and NoOne took off to take care of whatever they were doing, service or hanging out or whatever… and its me there… busting my f.cking hump. And then it’s time for the outings and packing the bag with the this and the that… and then we’re off on the outing and basically then, it’s sticking by him and doing whatever he needs. Carrying his stuff, getting the towel down and finally we’d sit and meditate… and then we’d jump up and swim and then we’d sit back down and wait for lunch. We had to wait until he was ready to eat. We couldn’t move, we couldn’t talk, we had to just sit and do what he said. It was really inhuman conditioning. It was like torture. And I was starving. I had no access to food in the morning. There was no such thing as breakfast for me. We made his breakfast but that was it. I think Martina and NoOne were eating while they were out… but I was with Angelo and didn’t get to eat. (NoOne did make lunch and dinner) Basically, I felt food starved and sleep deprived and just so tired. Amazing. I remember the water was really cold for me there.. when we’re swimming I was shivering. Basically we just had to snorkel next to him. You go out when he went out and come in when he comes in. It was like a mind f.ck.

Keep in mind, this was back in the days when he was more of a drill sargeant with “This is the way it has to be”. He loosened up SO much as the years went by. But back then I remember his satsang were like, “Everybody out there are assholes!” He was doing heavy controversial stuff back then. And because of his insecurity or whatever he had going on, he was full of such bravado with it. “I am the this and I am the that.” Back then he was saying it but not in a loving way… He was more like, “F.ck you, I’m this.” I don’t know if anyone else experienced it like that, but I could tell that’s what it was like because I was watching him go from one situation to another. Basically, he was flexing his masterhood in those days. Everything had to be in its place and no one deviated from the program. It was only after the Kendrick thing… people didn’t seem like they could keep it contained anymore. I don’t know if it’s because we were all growing up. Age-wise, I think most people were getting to a place where Angelo realized he just couldn’t keep a lid on THAT many people for THAT many years. But my life was the same. Always the same. Everybody else may have been able to start sneaking out and doing their own thing, but my life got more and more controlled if anything. Before we left LA, I had only had to stay with him on the weekends and on the Hawaii trips. But when we left LA, I had to move in with him.. and then it was really over.

I don’t know how it looked from the outside. I mean, I know my expression can be hard to read. And there were moments of joy. I was motivated in wanting to do good. Whatever I did, I wanted to do it well. And find whatever joy I could in it. That was still a part of my human quality coming out. Everybody has to be happy sometimes.. and you just look for reasons. But as the years went on, I couldn’t even do that. I was like doomed-ness. The doomed-ness happened slowly. Because I didn’t know that this was going to go on for years. I didn’t know that this was going to be my life. So in moments, it was just like, “OK, I’m going to have fun doing this.” I had to. It’s like in the movie, “A Beautiful Life” where the guy is in the concentration camp. You have to make it light every once in a while. Like I remember Fratello and I would just laugh… and Martina and I too… nervous laughter and full-on laughter. Laughter like, “Do you believe this?” You find ways and reasons to laugh. And every once a while, Angelo would lighten up. He’d throw you a bone or something and it was such a relief. I was like, “OK, let’s be nice now” And you don’t want to throw that away. But as time went on… I learned not to trust that. You know? So yeah, I was a healthy human being that was dying slowly. It didn’t happen all at once. (softly) God… he killed me… he killed so many things in me.