Ryker 15: Reflections
During my time in the group, I can’t really say I feel sorry (for the most part) for any of my actions.. at all.. I honestly.. this was my life. And my passion. And my vocation. And, from the very beginning, I felt like I was a co-sponsor of this thing. So I really don’t feel bad about anything because I did the best that I could with what I had. And I stayed true to what I wanted to serve the whole time. At the end, it became a joke. But I was given the opportunity and the platform to say what I needed to say, and so I never really had to compromise myself. So no, I don’t feel ashamed or bad about anything really. And that’s why literally… anybody that’s not with him still, I know has deep respect for me. I hear it from everywhere… and that helps me. Helps me realize I did the best I could under the circumstances. And I still feel the same way.
Yes, I absolutely condemned or mistreated people during my time in the group because, at the time, I did not know… Angelo’s a classic narcissist. And a narcissist will try to destroy anyone that doesn’t adore him. And since I was not part of the inner circle for a really long time, I just didn’t see the inner workings… I didn’t want to deal with it… I was happy to live two mountains over and do my own thing… so I pretty much accepted his version of things at face value… without going into it any further. So whenever Angelo said someone had betrayed him or was in their mind, and they were doing all these horrible things… I pretty much, took him at his word. I know the quality of the ego that can create things that don’t exist if it doesn’t want to look at itself… that’s one quality of the ego. But the attribute of the sincere heart with it’s own intuition was never acknowledged or encouraged. As it turns out most of these people who left or did whatever had genuine reasons for what they did and I had no idea. I didn’t even consider it. How did that happen? Why did we do that? someone explained this to me just today. They said good people often get taken for a ride because they want to think good things. And there were a lot of good people in that group. I think so many of us were in love with the idea that we were involved in something sacred and holy and sincere and we aligned ourself with that. And got taken for a ride. And you know what? Not shame on us, shame on him.
In the beginning, I invited everybody to satsang. After a while I started to become very uninterested in inviting new people because I felt like my greatest offering was to the people that were already there. And I could be deep with them and really get one-on-one with someone who was really sincere -- instead of somebody who may or may not be sincere. When we got to
I was told many times not to be in a relationships. But I did it anyway. I was always in a relationship. Constantly. Almost every time I was told not to be. Because we weren’t supposed to be in them because relationships were low and you get attached to people and your karma gets intertwined with their karma and all those reasons. And you’re supposed to just love people for who they are and love everyone. And towards the end, I know he was encouraging some people to be with other people just to keep them in the group. Or even to have sex with people to keep them in the group. A couple of the women I was with… WHILE I WAS WITH THEM… he tried to get them to spend time with other people and be in a relationship with other people to keep them in the group. And I was like “Hey, excuse me… what’s the matter with you?” But he didn’t care. There was some intense manipulation.
I know Angelo always had a lot of cash on him. And I definitely buried some cash in his back yard for him and marked it with some stones at one point. It was cash because everybody paid him in cash. But other than that… somehow again, way early on, I was taken out of the loop with the money. They dug it up and moved it somewhere and didn’t tell me where it was.
Careers? They were always discouraged. A career or a passion is your mind, your ambition, your desire… which is all part of your mind. And that’s what we’re supposed to let go of. Consequently, I find myself at 49 with a couple of businesses that I’m not passionate about (at all) and I find myself in a financial bind from this whole thing blowing up. Career, school, passions, creative pursuits were all discouraged because they were just bullshit and you should spend all your time meditating and serving instead of doing those things. I did the best with what I could and I can’t say .. if I had a regret… I wish I could have pursued a couple more of my interests. But at the time I have to admit that meditation and the spiritual life WAS one of my interests.
The sex scandal surprised me. Nothing was going on with me specifically with sexuality. Angelo never tried to be sexual with me or suggest anything sexual. I just would hear little things here and there regarding other people but I never knew very much about it. And again, when people (that it turns out now were having sexual with him) would come to me… they would never say what it was they were so upset about. So I just thought they were having personality problems with him. Because they would never say. At the time I would just share with them about “He is just a weird guy and you don’t have to take it so seriously, just try to meditate.” But literally no one ever told me why they were so freaked out when they came to me. Or what exactly had happened to them. I don’t know why... maybe because he made them promise not to tell anyone. But I thought he had one boyfriend at any time (and you kind of knew through the years who they were) but I didn’t know about any of his proclivities or the details of their sex life at all… I just assumed.
The only part I played in addressing his “special needs” is that I had to buy his reading glasses. Somehow I always had to buy 3 pairs every 3 months. And I used that again as a spiritual device to do something crazy for the master. Because he’s a task master and he’s doing this to put me through my paces and make me drop my mind.
I think part of Angelo’s “special needs” is that he’s a hypochondriac. He has spiritualized all of his problems. He would literally not drink out of a large water bottle because it was too heavy for him to lift (without throwing his body out) and then an hour later he would go to the gym and bench press 180 pounds. It was ridiculous. When it suited him, everything would throw his body out. But he could f.ck someone up against the door or go weight lifting or swimming but if you brushed against him he would freak out because he’d be afraid it would throw his body out.
I guess what people in the group would find the most surprising thing… well,… was the stuff written in that email. That was very surprising to a lot of people. The most surprising? I guess the sexuality… and the level of manipulation and deviousness. Most people had no idea to what degree he went to manipulate things to get the outcome he wanted. I think that would be the most surprising.
I think people outside the group would be the most surprised by the degree of lying. Routinely lying. Thinking that it’s to protect the greater good. And I’m sure everyone thinks they’re not lying maliciously. They’re only lying to protect Angelo and the group. And their ability to do their spiritual work.
