Datanah: 7. Reflections

I did receive guidance. I got guidance not to sell my house when I left Atlanta, to rent it out instead… but that didn’t make any sense to me and I needed the money to go to grad school and put my daughter through grad school. I never felt like Angelo had any sense of me or my life -- so the guidance that I was ‘given’ (not to go traveling for instance) didn’t make any sense to me. And I guess because I didn’t listen, he didn’t give much more guidance. Also, I thought the guidance he was giving other people was fucked up. And I told them. I told Tabitha the guidance he gave her was really damaging. The guidance he gave Martina (before rehab) was really damaging. So I didn’t think he had any clarity about a lot of things. Angelo just felt off to me.

I had experienced shakti before the Buddha Field. With other people. Years and years of it. Even without anybody there. So I never associated shakti with Angelo. And then the first time that he “gave me” shakti, I felt nothing. What I felt was him pushing my head back… so it went back… and everyone was gasping and Simone came to me afterwards and I said, “You have just been initiated in to the beginning. This is nothing." But it didn’t feel like a real experience.

Another thing that would bug me was when we were sitting in meditation and seeing some of the sycophants shake all over the place. I’m not saying they weren’t experiencing something… but I’ve been in the presence of spiritual teachers who, when people started shaking, they’d tell them to stop and pull themselves together. So for me, it became a performance -- an art piece -- where they would shake all over. Like, “What the hell?” He was putting on a show but so were the rest of the people. Which is not to say some people might not have felt it genuinely… because people feel things… and I also know the mind is very tricky so when you put yourself in a spiritual scenario, you can have spiritual experiences, and some can feel very profound, and some can BE very profound. -but I felt like there was this charade happening. And then I was sure there were also people that had very meaningful experiences to them. I never felt like they were specifically Angelo-related though. And the first thing he ever said to me was so meaningless his first words. We were at a ballet performance. I was invited and I was standing there with a sister and he looked at her and said, “You’re a beautiful ballerina.” Then he looked at me and said, “You need to learn to point better.” And for a little bit I thought, “What is he trying to tell me?” It it some sort of Koan?.....but actually he hardly ever said much to me…

And the other thing I have to tell you about which really shifted things for me, was in class one day when my son and a friend of mine from India were in town, and they were invited to a Sunday outing. And Angelo gave shakti and threw prashad and all that. And this friend is an expert in Newar art and there was one particular painting Angelo loved… he brought a few guys over to where I was staying to see the paintings… So they were all standing around and Angelo was looking at all the paintings and, honestly, he said to me in at least 7 different ways that he wanted me to get him one of the paintings. He would look directly at me and say things indirectly like, “This painting has special shakti” or “This painting has a real light to it. Much better than any other ones” And things like that. When he left, my friend said, “He really wants you to get him that painting.” And I said, “I know, he told me 7 different times in not-so-subtle ways.” So I thought OK, I’ll get him that painting. He really wants it and basically the art supports the artists in Nepal so it’s a really good cause. So I bought it for him and framed it and took it over to his house. When I was there, he came in and looked it up and down and he looked at me and all he said was, “I knew you would get me that painting.” And I just thought, “F.ck you, don’t try and pretend you are psychic.” I didn’t say it… I just said, “You’re welcome” and he turned and walked out of the room. I mean, f.cking well say thank you at least, you know? That stuff bugged the shit out of me. Because it didn’t feel real. You ASKED for the painting. I got you the painting. Have the grace to say thank you.

None of this was new or unique to me. I had endless discussions about all of this with Tabitha (because she had told me she wanted to leave but she was told by Angelo that if she left, she would be destroyed.) I told her, THIS is the reason you should go. To see that you can handle it. You’ll give yourself a chance to grow up if you’re away long enough to find out who you are.