Letter from Frolic

Weeks ago I got the chance to sit down with Frolic and talk about the past couple of decades. At the time I could see that he is still (like many of us) trying to work things through in his head. But I also saw that his willingness to see to the heart of the matter and his candor would see him through all of this.

While I'm not ready to post his interview, I'm more than happy to post this email he sent me. Really, it is an open email to all of you.

To my many friends

I am writing this because my chest and throat will no longer let me go ahead with the journey of communication (teaching and performing) upon which I have set myself. I have been hacking my guts up all night long, like some consumptive old man. And it’s because I had not yet written this, or even truly seen it’s possibility. (Reading that back is one of the reasons this task has been so daunting… it sounds like some potboiler confessional, and I am so afraid of being overdramatic… but screw it.)

I am writing this to apologize for the many ways I participated in the horrible behavior during my BF years. When I first arrived -- dysfunctional and holding it together -- I saw an opportunity to belong, something I had been seeking for many years. Shortly thereafter many things that I saw did not please me, but mostly I perceived them as being done by the disciples, not the master (that was one of his best tricks), and just figured this was all part of the course, and we were all growing. My personality has always taken the road less conflict-filled, so I learned quickly to turn a blind eye, and ear. Then I became the confidant of so many, so I felt important, and useful. And there were many things about Angelo that were like home to me, he was gay, (though never attractive to me, I would say he was too “obviously narcissistic”. ironic now), theatrical, took chances, belonged to no one, just like my dad!

There were many times that I heard of people in the knowing hooking up with others (including my sister) by trading on their spiritual position. I had a very negative view of this, having been in quite a few positions like this before, (including several rapes, not dealt with at that time) and then shortly thereafter found myself doing the same thing, on both sides of the coin though more subtly (or so I thought). And when I was reported for this behavior (it happened twice) Angelo defended me! And I knew of Angelo’s relationships, but knew nothing negative about them until recently. I justified them as normal teacher/student relationships -- with sex in them ( I know, an oxymoron, but I had studied a lot of Greek History, so I had that model to work off, as well as a helpful, sweet relationship with a man 10 yrs older than me when I was 17…The seduction had been mutual). Plus, growing up in the 70’s. This information is not for the purpose of defending anything, btw, just setting context.

Later my sex life thru the BF (as if you are interested) was very fractured, and conflicted. Many double messages, hiding, manipulation, friggin' Desperate Housewives-ville. And listening to the stories of everyone else, dysfunction seemed the norm. So when I heard little things from Angelo about his boys, glowing with adoration and devotion…it actually seemed healthier to me. I did not know the shadow side of this twisted man.

Many things have been written about in these pages and quite lucidly and accurately by my peers. So what a weird ride between what we knew as bliss and great moments of growth, and the nauseous feeling that had to be suppressed for so long.

I personally backed away from many involvements and cautioned Angelo (as many of us did) over the years, and also then participated in many things that went against my gut. After the horrible guilt set in (and working it’s way out still) I was able to acknowledge how many things I was instructed to do, that I just played blonde about, forgot to do, spaced on…When I became a therapist (his idea, and what a privilege!! Sarcasm, can’t help it) he repeatedly enjoined me to tape my sessions., Which I just couldn’t do…even though a common therapeutic practice. I did provide him with case histories, which I never hid. He rarely asked for information on peoples ”cleansings” -- usually only when there was a “problem”, and then he would tell me how to fix it. What to work on. Very manipulative, yet I rationalized it. But I was mostly left to my own devices. I feel now very mixed about my years as the BF therapist. I was not really a “recruiter”, but more of a “closer”, in sales terms. People were brought to me, it was almost as if it was my job to sell them and program them.
~~Another wave of nausea. ~~
Mostly I convinced my self to be Hanuman, selfless and devoted, or in my case, spineless and weak. I am also reassured that many people were helped in many ways, and I know all of us had the best intentions most of the time. I also did some subversive things behind his back with clients, helping them to do what they really wanted, something we all did, then ragged on each other about. And I experienced genuine love for all the people that came in front of me, and enjoyed much of the work as well.

This friend Angelo was an expert at feeding peoples animosities towards each other, even as he hoped to bridge them, i.e. class. So many paradoxes!.. And that’s just the way it is.. No really.. Unless we use the paradox as a way out of taking responsibility.

There is a rumor going about that says that I conferred with Angelo and others about how to keep things secret (his exploits) and the like. On the contrary, I was always an advocate for openness, the secrecy being one of the most distasteful parts for many years. I was never a part of the inner circle till there was no one left, always on the fringes. That is after the schism set in seriously, and I jumped at the chance, and thought I really might have a chance of helping him change. Yet another delusion. I was present at more general meetings thru the years, and rarely otherwise had his ear more than 2 or 3 minutes. This is one of the main stupid reasons a lot us stuck around as long as we did… our moment in the sun….til of course he goes just a little too far… my belief is that he wanted us all gone, so he could start fresh.. Good luck.. I don’t see that happening.

I was one of the verbally abused. There were always a few court jesters at any one time -- I think Hebetudino and I had the longest tenure... at least publicly... though I know many who had their turn at bat. I always assumed it was to keep our egos in check, and I was right, just in a different way than I thought. We would smile and play the buffoon, as long as we had that occasional pat on the back… and I mean occasional. So disempowering! Yes my lingo is different. I always wondered why with so much cleansing and class and transformational work… I still hated myself everyday…I love myself everyday today. Intentionally… and I like it!

This year has been horrible and beautiful. None of us are to blame, and we are all culpable. “A huge mandala” he would say, “It may not be around forever”. Thank god for wind! I left, for good, in the spring. If any of you would like to speak to me of anything I might have done to you, or any further questions, I am willing.

I hope you are beginning to enjoy this beautiful world…it’s such a big place!