One Day You Finally Knew

Another beautiful letter. This time from Guinevere. I didn't know I was going to be getting such beautiful letters... Thank you so much! Enjoy:

Dear Tower,

This site is amazing and proving to be such a healing ground for so many. I was so touched by Frolic's letter and whoever the other one is from. All I can say is- we were all in this together and I don't hold anybody accountable for anything that happened while we were behind the veil of the BF illusion.....we were all blinded by our own sincere desire for our life to be valid and our choices to not have been in vain. We all were brainwashed, and like you said one night at dinner -- when talking about politics and the ignorance of people believing Bush's lies -- "I would judge them but I've believed dumber things in my life." Ah yes, the lesson here is humility.

It is beautiful that you have created this forum where we can give each other support and share our journeys. I think it helps to put things in perspective and to give our small beaten down voices a place to share safely and to see that we are not alone in this. A place where people who are still with him or are just now realizing the deception have a place perhaps to go to help tip their decisions and assist in their healing process. It is really, really powerful and beautiful. Thank you.

I have gone through my own intense healing process -- exploring who I am and deciding what is next -- what do I want to do now? So here I sit with a tedious inward journey ahead of me-perhaps like all of us. What experiences and teachings- which thoughts, which ideas and words are true and real and which are false? This is perhaps the most difficult part. For those of us who were around almost our entire adult life or most of it- those voices run so deep. We had all the answers- now we have none. It is the same thing as being raised again by a different family- in my case it was actually very very similar. And now the process is to grow up again, or maybe for the first time. The road ahead at times seems daunting and impossible and the road behind looks from this perspective like a series of ridiculous lies and Alice-and-Wonderland-mad-tea-party-like antics. I could easily say it was a huge waste of time and energy but it wasn't- we gained some things of phenomenal value (despite the obvious damage that also occurred.) A deep deep critical insight into myself and others, a certain fearlessness or ability to focus and deep deep life long friends that have fought this war and it's aftermath with me. I look into the eyes and hearts of those that have accompanied me on this journey, this battle -- and I see deep strong incredibly beautiful people. But I say that not from a place of superiority where I once thought we were the chosen ones but from a place of- OK we made some mistakes and oops we all lied or betrayed our heart at times but I still see souls that made those choices because we sincerely were in love with the pursuit of truth. I honor that intention.

I feel so incredibly lucky to have been around such beautiful and rare people for the last 17 years! People who gave everything for a beautiful dream. We served courageously and fearlessly and with sincerity and conviction. That was OUR DEVOTION even if he lacked the integrity and truth we convinced ourselves he lived by. Despite the split and the politics that has followed the fall of the Roman Empire- I still can't help but to respect the intentions and hearts longing for each person that I served this lie with (except Leitch of course). And I can't help but to experience a deep deep respect for each person who goes against every voice in his head and walks away from everything that gave our lives meaning and gave us an identity. It is difficult.. but regaining your integrity, your voice, your thoughts and your life is well worth the pain and confusion that inevitably follows.

One more thing.....
I am taking a psychology of loss and trauma class. And as I am learning about the different losses people experience in their lives, there are many- but these are the major losses: loss of community, loss of identity, loss of faith, loss of a job, a huge betrayal- loss of trust, loss of a lifestyle, loss of a relationship/divorce, loss of someone that was close to you usually due to death (I see that as Angelo)....and then there are secondary losses that are often a result of these losses, like relocation, or loss of friends. As I am reading this I am realizing oh my god no wonder this is so devastating. Our loss- this phenomenon we just experienced is the MAHA LOSS- it encompasses every loss experience in many cases or at least most of them. But the beautiful thing is as I am reading about the healing process and the 5 steps of healing, denial, anger, depression or deep mourning, taking about it or sharing stories is actually part of the healing process and necessary (as every time we talk about it we let go of some pain and understand it a little more, giving us a sense of control over our life ) and then finally moving through it and finding a way to see the positive effect the experience has made on you as a person and how you can share your experience and help others or understand true deep compassion.
It was beautiful to see that everyone I have spoken to in their own individual way is working through this process with courage and honesty.

I wanted to share this powerful poem by Mary Oliver. It gave me encouragement as I made life decision after life decision- It helped me feel understood as it conveyed something I couldn't quite put into words.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Thanks again for your work with this!