Letter from Ivan

Ivan sent me an email with a couple of entries from his journal (from when he came back to the BF after being away for 6 months). I find this interesting. I remember that I kept a journal for a few weeks when I first came around but I vaguely remember it being discouraged so I quit. Maybe I still have it somewhere... my record of those first two weeks... that would be interesting to compare against my memories of my experience.

I like your post about trusting your gut.

I found an old journal with a couple of entries from when I returned to
the BF after being out of state for about 6 months.

Diary entry dated: Dec. 10, 2000
"What is all of this talk of non-duality in one moment and "dropping your
mind" in the next? Isn't that saying that the mind and body are separate,
or that the soul and the body/mind are separate - isn't that duality?

Must we sit still and drop the mind to experience God? What's the point of
getting blissed out to the degree that you're drunk? Isn't that just an
escape? It seems selfish.

They say relationships and sex are distractions...yet they have
relationships and sex. He says drop the mind but then asks a bunch of
questions about our understanding of enlightenment...questions which must
be understood and processed by the mind. What are all of these
incongruencies?

Yet in all of this I feel there is a lot of love and good intentions. But
I'm not sure good intentions count. Intentions alone are not enough. Love?
That may be different..."

Diary entry dated: March 18, 2001
"What is happening for me in the "Buddha Field" is a mixed bundle. On one
hand I feel a great deal of love. And certainly meditation has given me
many gifts. On the other hand, I observe the following: ego, secrecy,
making wrong, control, judgment, withholding, a lot of concepts
(especially for people whose master says "drop all your concepts"), and
yes, some fear. There is a great amount of either/or "black & white"
thinking.

The idea of following a master makes sense in some ways. In other ways it
seems ridiculous. It's about following somebody else's idea of what God
is, and how to experience that. They say it's not a religion, but it
shares many of the traits.

I'm having mixed feelings. Something in the smaller picture - the details
- doesn't fit with me - and the big picture...I'm not even sure exactly
what that is. I'm remaining open...

I took out my set of Osho Zen Tarot cards thinking about the Buddha Field,
pulled out the card "Politics." With the intention of finding a solution I
pulled another card...at first I thought it said "Interrogation!" A second
look revealed the word "Integration" - working to unify opposites.

Perhaps I can live my life the ways I choose to live it while being
peripherally involved in the Buddha Field?"

Thoughts
Even though for many years I seemed to keep myself at a distance, it was
impossible not to have the BF affect my life. Career choices ignored...
the number of incredible women whom I met and let go...because
relationships outside the BF were frowned upon...how many other things?
Probably too many to count.

I also believe that NOW, my focus should be one of gratitude and the love
that was shared. I grew in many ways because of my time in the BF. One of
my biggest lessons is to trust myself and my own intuition. I think many
people are looking for a Santa Clause/Savior to direct their life, tell
them what to do, and fix the mess they have created - in doing so they
live the illusion that they have given up their personal responsibility
for some greater ideal.

Now it's time for me to recognize and reignite my personal responsibility,
let go of the old programs and beliefs that no longer serve me, and really
jump into my life with a renewed passion and sense of purpose.

This moment holds the seeds of an infinite number of possibilities. Which
ones will I choose to plant and nurture?