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October 5, 2007

>> Frolic writes:

To my many friends

I am writing this because my chest and throat will no longer let me go ahead with the journey of communication (teaching and performing) upon which I have set myself. I have been hacking my guts up all night long, like some consumptive old man. And it’s because I had not yet written this, or even truly seen it’s possibility. (Reading that back is one of the reasons this task has been so daunting… it sounds like some potboiler confessional, and I am so afraid of being overdramatic… but screw it.)

I am writing this to apologize for the many ways I participated in the horrible behavior during my BF years. When I first arrived -- dysfunctional and holding it together -- I saw an opportunity to belong, something I had been seeking for many years. Shortly thereafter many things that I saw did not please me, but mostly I perceived them as being done by the disciples, not the master (that was one of his best tricks), and just figured this was all part of the course, and we were all growing. My personality has always taken the road less conflict-filled, so I learned quickly to turn a blind eye, and ear. Then I became the confidant of so many, so I felt important, and useful. And there were many things about Angelo that were like home to me, he was gay, (though never attractive to me, I would say he was too “obviously narcissistic”. ironic now), theatrical, took chances, belonged to no one, just like my dad!

There were many times that I heard of people in the knowing hooking up with others (including my sister) by trading on their spiritual position. I had a very negative view of this, having been in quite a few positions like this before, (including several rapes, not dealt with at that time) and then shortly thereafter found myself doing the same thing, on both sides of the coin though more subtly (or so I thought). And when I was reported for this behavior (it happened twice) Angelo defended me! And I knew of Angelo’s relationships, but knew nothing negative about them until recently. I justified them as normal teacher/student relationships -- with sex in them ( I know, an oxymoron, but I had studied a lot of Greek History, so I had that model to work off, as well as a helpful, sweet relationship with a man 10 yrs older than me when I was 17…The seduction had been mutual). Plus, growing up in the 70’s. This information is not for the purpose of defending anything, btw, just setting context.

Later my sex life thru the BF (as if you are interested) was very fractured, and conflicted. Many double messages, hiding, manipulation, friggin' Desperate Housewives-ville. And listening to the stories of everyone else, dysfunction seemed the norm. So when I heard little things from Angelo about his boys, glowing with adoration and devotion…it actually seemed healthier to me. I did not know the shadow side of this twisted man.

Many things have been written about in these pages and quite lucidly and accurately by my peers. So what a weird ride between what we knew as bliss and great moments of growth, and the nauseous feeling that had to be suppressed for so long.

I personally backed away from many involvements and cautioned Angelo (as many of us did) over the years, and also then participated in many things that went against my gut. After the horrible guilt set in (and working it’s way out still) I was able to acknowledge how many things I was instructed to do, that I just played blonde about, forgot to do, spaced on…When I became a therapist (his idea, and what a privilege!! Sarcasm, can’t help it) he repeatedly enjoined me to tape my sessions., Which I just couldn’t do…even though a common therapeutic practice. I did provide him with case histories, which I never hid. He rarely asked for information on peoples ”cleansings” -- usually only when there was a “problem”, and then he would tell me how to fix it. What to work on. Very manipulative, yet I rationalized it. But I was mostly left to my own devices. I feel now very mixed about my years as the BF therapist. I was not really a “recruiter”, but more of a “closer”, in sales terms. People were brought to me, it was almost as if it was my job to sell them and program them.
~~Another wave of nausea. ~~
Mostly I convinced my self to be Hanuman, selfless and devoted, or in my case, spineless and weak. I am also reassured that many people were helped in many ways, and I know all of us had the best intentions most of the time. I also did some subversive things behind his back with clients, helping them to do what they really wanted, something we all did, then ragged on each other about. And I experienced genuine love for all the people that came in front of me, and enjoyed much of the work as well.

This friend Angelo was an expert at feeding peoples animosities towards each other, even as he hoped to bridge them, i.e. class. So many paradoxes!.. And that’s just the way it is.. No really.. Unless we use the paradox as a way out of taking responsibility.

There is a rumor going about that says that I conferred with Angelo and others about how to keep things secret (his exploits) and the like. On the contrary, I was always an advocate for openness, the secrecy being one of the most distasteful parts for many years. I was never a part of the inner circle till there was no one left, always on the fringes. That is after the schism set in seriously, and I jumped at the chance, and thought I really might have a chance of helping him change. Yet another delusion. I was present at more general meetings thru the years, and rarely otherwise had his ear more than 2 or 3 minutes. This is one of the main stupid reasons a lot us stuck around as long as we did… our moment in the sun….til of course he goes just a little too far… my belief is that he wanted us all gone, so he could start fresh.. Good luck.. I don’t see that happening.

I was one of the verbally abused. There were always a few court jesters at any one time -- I think Hebetudino and I had the longest tenure... at least publicly... though I know many who had their turn at bat. I always assumed it was to keep our egos in check, and I was right, just in a different way than I thought. We would smile and play the buffoon, as long as we had that occasional pat on the back… and I mean occasional. So disempowering! Yes my lingo is different. I always wondered why with so much cleansing and class and transformational work… I still hated myself everyday…I love myself everyday today. Intentionally… and I like it!

This year has been horrible and beautiful. None of us are to blame, and we are all culpable. “A huge mandala” he would say, “It may not be around forever”. Thank god for wind! I left, for good, in the spring. If any of you would like to speak to me of anything I might have done to you, or any further questions, I am willing.

I hope you are beginning to enjoy this beautiful world…it’s such a big place!

September 25, 2007

>> Tonaiva writes:

I hadn't read the blog in a while, just opened it today. I can't contain my laughter. This is hilarious. You should definitely add to "Top 10 Ways to Identify a Cult." The comic relief is needed.

I look back and am amazed that that was my life. It seems like everyone I talk to that participated in the group has a broken heart. He created everything from A to Z, but won't take responsibility for anything. It's just bizarre.

I tried...I really, really tried to hold on, to see something higher in everything that was happening. I think I have tried harder than most to see beyond the lies....and see God working through that being. Finally, after a year of this, I'm totally disenchanted. You could say, "Gee, that girl is slow." Or you could just say, "Wow that girl didn't want to feel the pain of realizing what her dear master had become." You could say a lot of things, but it doesn't matter. I don't judge myself. How could I? I just want love. How can I judge anyone now? I just feel like I'd like to say, "I'm sorry," to everyone whose heart has been broken-- If he would have only been honest, taken responsibility, practiced what he shared with all of us, and didn't use his position to get everything that he desired, maybe it could have worked. Aye.

I'm at a middle road in my life now. I don't know what to do. Go to school? Move back to Austin? Colorado where my sister lives? California? Maybe I'll go live abroad for a while. Everything has changed for me. I've learned so much since I've been on this "island" of geographic hell out in the middle of desolation. That is that I am strong and have a lot to do and see yet. I also learned that I can't judge where anyone is at, because I don't know how things will change. Like I said, a year has passed, and I see things completely different now. I've shut so many people out that I cared for. When people would share stuff in class, confronting Angelo, I would feel really uncomfortable and just think that they were in the mind. Turns out, they were waking up. Gee, wow....sorry about that.

I need to love myself and blossom into what I am. I was so hypnotized for so long--and now my heart is just broken. It's been a ride. I have to say.... It was beautiful to have a family so large for all those years--I loved that--and in my innocence, I loved everyone 100%. I experienced a lot of joy, love, expansion, and depth. I loved having a master--he was the magical element in my fantasy. It was like being a little girl in a magical story (where everything was wonderful). I enjoyed the last 13 years (most of it). I really really did. So, thank you, everyone for sharing all those years with me!!!

Now, if I can just let go of my anger and sadness, I will relax enough go into my experience of god. Angelo would always say that if you disagree with and question the master and ultimately leave the group, the grace will be taken away, and you'll have nothing to connect to. How f*cked up is that! How totally manipulative and f*cked up is that?! Letting that programmed fear go is still happening....I'm still letting go.

Anyway, there's so much more to write....will write more soon.

Love Always,

August 26, 2007

>>Ivan writes:

I like your post about trusting your gut.

I found an old journal with a couple of entries from when I returned to
the BF after being out of state for about 6 months.

Diary entry dated: Dec. 10, 2000
"What is all of this talk of non-duality in one moment and "dropping your
mind" in the next? Isn't that saying that the mind and body are separate,
or that the soul and the body/mind are separate - isn't that duality?

Must we sit still and drop the mind to experience God? What's the point of
getting blissed out to the degree that you're drunk? Isn't that just an
escape? It seems selfish.

They say relationships and sex are distractions...yet they have
relationships and sex. He says drop the mind but then asks a bunch of
questions about our understanding of enlightenment...questions which must
be understood and processed by the mind. What are all of these
incongruencies?

Yet in all of this I feel there is a lot of love and good intentions. But
I'm not sure good intentions count. Intentions alone are not enough. Love?
That may be different..."

Diary entry dated: March 18, 2001
"What is happening for me in the "Buddha Field" is a mixed bundle. On one
hand I feel a great deal of love. And certainly meditation has given me
many gifts. On the other hand, I observe the following: ego, secrecy,
making wrong, control, judgment, withholding, a lot of concepts
(especially for people whose master says "drop all your concepts"), and
yes, some fear. There is a great amount of either/or "black & white"
thinking.

The idea of following a master makes sense in some ways. In other ways it
seems ridiculous. It's about following somebody else's idea of what God
is, and how to experience that. They say it's not a religion, but it
shares many of the traits.

I'm having mixed feelings. Something in the smaller picture - the details
- doesn't fit with me - and the big picture...I'm not even sure exactly
what that is. I'm remaining open...

I took out my set of Osho Zen Tarot cards thinking about the Buddha Field,
pulled out the card "Politics." With the intention of finding a solution I
pulled another card...at first I thought it said "Interrogation!" A second
look revealed the word "Integration" - working to unify opposites.

Perhaps I can live my life the ways I choose to live it while being
peripherally involved in the Buddha Field?"

Thoughts
Even though for many years I seemed to keep myself at a distance, it was
impossible not to have the BF affect my life. Career choices ignored...
the number of incredible women whom I met and let go...because
relationships outside the BF were frowned upon...how many other things?
Probably too many to count.

I also believe that NOW, my focus should be one of gratitude and the love
that was shared. I grew in many ways because of my time in the BF. One of
my biggest lessons is to trust myself and my own intuition. I think many
people are looking for a Santa Clause/Savior to direct their life, tell
them what to do, and fix the mess they have created - in doing so they
live the illusion that they have given up their personal responsibility
for some greater ideal.

Now it's time for me to recognize and reignite my personal responsibility,
let go of the old programs and beliefs that no longer serve me, and really
jump into my life with a renewed passion and sense of purpose.

This moment holds the seeds of an infinite number of possibilities. Which
ones will I choose to plant and nurture?

July 18, 2007

>>No-one writes:

Hey Love,

I just want to thank you for a stellar job in creating a site for people to understand what has happened. I still am unable to put my life on paper as some of you have….in short, I was in the group for 26 years….gave everything, my very last dollars, career, youth, family, concepts, heart, soul, freedom, mind….everything… because I wanted to know and serve Love. I still want to know and serve Love…and am working on freeing myself and my surroundings from his ill-love, a year “after the fall”. This process has brought me through many phases and I am at the door of healing and true gratefulness that this didn’t happen in twenty more years!!!

I was a servant, always a servant…usually barefoot in the kitchen, I never knew anything about anything, even one of my closest friends who, still with him, I have since found out, knew a lot, never told me anything and no one offered to tell me anything and I never asked…I just needed to get the next meal on the tray; yet, I lived under his roof for 11 years. I would never have dreamed that he would take my room-mate out of his bed in the middle of the night to “f.ck” him. My “guidance”, was always one that included a hint of celibacy “you don’t need to be having sex”, “you need to allow your sexual energy to rise” so I curbed myself and my lover/brother/consort Xebec. I really believe that I experienced a lot of benefits in letting my sexual desires rise. Xebec was celibate for thirteen years before he came to the group….Naturally, I assumed that Angelo had already overcome his sexual desires and was passing that teaching on to me; in fact, when the TV was on at night and we’d all be sitting on the couches watching the tube, as he changed channels non-stop, if a sex scene came onto the screen he would usually say something in reference to how “low” that energy was. I never dreamed he was even sexual, not that I would have a problem with him being sexual, I even said “I could care less if he did it with a goat”…and I wouldn’t have cared.

My problem is the deception and the lies and the fact that so many people’s lives have been destroyed…emotionally, physically some financially or all three and that I turned my back on so many people…never even questioning why they left, always believing “him”….he would “never lie” to me, I just couldn’t even imagine it.

I can say that I have benefited in being a disciple…my years were not wasted I have to believe that I am who I am because of serving Love. I have known the joy of bliss, surrender, dropping my mind, my desires, my freedom, my ideas, sex even…I was most certainly “ignorantly blissful” or some may say “deluded” but I was really blissful…my life, my friends and our support system was beautiful.…my life is now becoming beautiful again as I heal, but in a truer and more real way. All of us still want to Love ultimately but we will never love ignorantly again, that’s for sure.

Being on the “other” side, I now hear stories he has said about me…for instance he told a group of people that “she was never devoted”….he “knows” that is a lie. I have also heard that I am an alcoholic and delusional and that I went insane in that last class when I confronted Ryker and Zena, in defense of him….from what (?)…I didn’t know until the e-mail just a few days later….and now I understand that they didn’t even know the magnitude of the devastation he had done. People who are still with him have told me that I sound like I’m in Kindergarten because I have said that “I won’t ever be in a lie again” and “I will never lie for someone again”, a concept that cannot be understood by someone who’s only desire is to protect him. I say, you are protecting a sexual predator and you need to be aware of that fact. We were all pawns in his game and our giving hearts were used for his illness/benefit….no longer friend…no longer.

He is the one who will suffer the most in the end because I still believe in karma and I believe that we all have to face ourselves in the final moments I still believe this to be true. I will not be deceived again and I am available to my friends who have suffered; unfortunately, some I cannot approach because of the magnitude of their devastations….I only hope that we can all live again in harmony on this Earth.

In truth, meditation is not the problem; it saved me from suicide the first six months after the e-mail. I still meditate daily I find solace in that place of surrender, where I am no-one. I am grateful to Xebec he has helped me tremendously through this period and am grateful to a healer I’ve been working with who has helped my cells to heal…I am still in the process of healing.

Much Love and Gratitude to you and the service you are providing to all of us.

July 18, 2007

>>Moonbeam writes:

Hello Tower,

We have not met personally, but I have known of you and Zena for many years..I am Ryker's sister. You may call me Moonbeam.

When Ryker left home at 19, I was married 9 years already.

My husband and I got on a plane for the first time and went to Ft. Lauderdale to visit him.

I knew about his acting class, and a group that he was in that held meetings. On one meeting night, Ryker took us to the bus station so that we could go to Disney World. I had no idea that this was to get us out of the house! We had a great time and Ryker picked us up the next night and brought us home.

When he moved to LA, and my parents resettled there, we visited also. Ryker & I tried to stay linked together because we were. Mom started to enjoy having a little business at the swap meets and she would say things to me about the group of ( friends) that I didn't understand. I would only get an "I don't know " everytime I asked a question. This still goes on today when I ask my father what something means, so I just thought they weren't privy to a lot of info.

During the first visit, I went to satsang, which Ryker was giving. I met the "in crowd" and was made to think the love included me. What a jerk I was.

Your story takes me back to the (I think you called it Shakti) where every one stares into your eyes, well it totally freaked me out! Living in New Jersey all my life, you never made eye contact, if you did you had to wonder what the hell someone wanted from you. Also all the hugging from perfect strangers, well, I was worried that my husband would slug someone if they didn't stop hugging him! yuck!

Well anyway I knew the oldies from then on.

I found the experience very mystical and it was sooo cool to see my baby brother conducting this group and explaining about the knowing and the love. I thought it was totally cool! My husband did not attend.

I'm sure that had I lived there, I would have joined right in.

I thank God that I wasn't able to walk into that mess! I'm sure it would have been a separation between my husband & I.

I asked questions, lots of them, but the answers were blurry. Right up until Ryker and I were talking about his wonderful news, this week.

I asked him to explain to me once and for all, what the hell was going on that had him so depressed, and feeling betrayed etc. I thought if I really knew about the entire last 25 years of his life, I could offer help. So he gave me this site and I have been glued to it for 2 days.

Thank you so much. I have read Ryker's story and am filled with rage that this monster has hurt so many people who opened their hearts to him. The young people that I have met through the years, now have to regroup and start all over. I pray that this journey will be different for all of you.

While reading your story, I laughed a lot. You are fun and cool. I love the bit about making the cakes with reg. ingredients, and when you peeked to see what Angelo was doing! You must have been a fun brother to Zena ! You still kept one foot on the ground, and stopped yourself from being totally sucked in. Which is a miracle in itself.

I'm am honored to have a small peek at how you have evolved through the years and I have every hope for those of you that have put a stop to the madness that cast a shadow over your search to find God and the love that you all share, that this will make you stronger and much wiser.

@Hi Moonbeam!
I can tell by what you write that we would have been friends. :D
I'm also glad that the site can help to give a little insight into what Ryker has been going through. I was really worried about him for a while but he's doing so much better now.
If it's OK, I'd like to post your message on the site. One, I think people will be uplifted with the hope that maybe they can mend the rift that was created with their family, and two, it might give them the idea of using this site as a way of sharing something that (trust me) is very hard to share with people.
I'm glad you read Ryker's story. When you walk in someone else's shoes, it opens up a connection with them. That was my hope for the site, and I'm thrilled that it worked in that way.

Also, were there terms or anything that you found confusing on the site? I think I've hit the biggies in the Concepts/Definitions section, but if there was something that was unclear, let me know.

>>Moonbeam responds:

Hello Tower,

I have been checking my email hoping you would find the time to write.

I hope that other family members will know that it's alright to ask questions. It is very important to keep our hearts open and never close them against our loved ones that are exploring different things. This is the door that lets us grow without putting up a wall when we don't understand. Let each other know that whatever path we choose, we can always come back to each other with no questions asked.

This is what I believe love is.

You may use my message if Ryker says it's OK.

I truly hope that we may all save what is left in the ashes of the past & rebuild a truth in the future.

Yes, the expression "you are in your mind" cracks me up. Did Angelo tell you it was better to be "out of your mind" ?

May you go on to reach people all over the world, to let them tell their stories and drop the "fear".

July 10, 2007
Job comments>> I was with Angelo from Los Angeles to Austin. 13 years of my life. I left the Group 4 years before it all came to an end. I left for all the reasons that were now exposed, the lies, brainwashing, sexual abuse and deception surrounding the “the Knowledge”. I am so grateful that you are using the power of the internet to expose him, allowing people to express themselves, heal and understand this cult. Angelo is in my opinion “The Dark Lord”, selfish, deceptive and hiding behind the most powerful force in the Universe, Love. I was in “cleansing” with him for 12 years. What I have come to find out is that all the time he was launching hush campaigns behind my back to label me a sociopath and liar. He was doing all of this because he was aware that I knew of his questionable past in pornography. So of course he had to discredit me. However, my love for him was innocent and pure. I never spoke to anyone of this knowledge I had of his past. Nor did I judge him for this. But his fear and paranoia drove him to personally slander me quietly behind my back. He violated a basic ethical agreement of trust between a therapist and patient / student and teacher. This is only part of my story. My story is filled with his sexual manipulations and advances, his control of my life, stealing large sums of money from me…and most of all lying to me about the very nature of the “knowledge”, which was the only reason I left my home in Los Angeles and moved to Austin. After waiting for it for 12 years, now I know it is available through out the world, available to those with an open heart in a matter of months.

Today, I have moved on with my life. But the wounds this man caused, still remain. My heart goes out to all those innocent souls who he manipulated and harmed.

Thank you for this website. I would very much like to tell my story.

@: I know the healing takes time, Job, but I'm glad to hear that you have moved on with your life. The next time I'm in LA, I would love to interview you. Thank you for your heartfelt email and your kind words.


July 5, 2007
>> Just so you know, they are reading your site.
@: Everyone is welcome to read it. That's kind of the point. Anyone who is interested in reading it, can. (What is astonishing is the speed at which it happened.)