Letter from No One

Hey Love,

I just want to thank you for a stellar job in creating a site for people to understand what has happened. I still am unable to put my life on paper as some of you have….in short, I was in the group for 26 years….gave everything, my very last dollars, career, youth, family, concepts, heart, soul, freedom, mind….everything… because I wanted to know and serve Love. I still want to know and serve Love…and am working on freeing myself and my surroundings from his ill-love, a year “after the fall”. This process has brought me through many phases and I am at the door of healing and true gratefulness that this didn’t happen in twenty more years!!!

I was a servant, always a servant…usually barefoot in the kitchen, I never knew anything about anything, even one of my closest friends who, still with him, I have since found out, knew a lot, never told me anything and no one offered to tell me anything and I never asked…I just needed to get the next meal on the tray; yet, I lived under his roof for 11 years. I would never have dreamed that he would take my room-mate out of his bed in the middle of the night to “f.ck” him. My “guidance”, was always one that included a hint of celibacy “you don’t need to be having sex”, “you need to allow your sexual energy to rise” so I curbed myself and my lover/brother/consort Xebec. I really believe that I experienced a lot of benefits in letting my sexual desires rise. Xebec was celibate for thirteen years before he came to the group….Naturally, I assumed that Angelo had already overcome his sexual desires and was passing that teaching on to me; in fact, when the TV was on at night and we’d all be sitting on the couches watching the tube, as he changed channels non-stop, if a sex scene came onto the screen he would usually say something in reference to how “low” that energy was. I never dreamed he was even sexual, not that I would have a problem with him being sexual, I even said “I could care less if he did it with a goat”…and I wouldn’t have cared.

My problem is the deception and the lies and the fact that so many people’s lives have been destroyed…emotionally, physically some financially or all three and that I turned my back on so many people…never even questioning why they left, always believing “him”….he would “never lie” to me, I just couldn’t even imagine it.

I can say that I have benefited in being a disciple…my years were not wasted I have to believe that I am who I am because of serving Love. I have known the joy of bliss, surrender, dropping my mind, my desires, my freedom, my ideas, sex even…I was most certainly “ignorantly blissful” or some may say “deluded” but I was really blissful…my life, my friends and our support system was beautiful.…my life is now becoming beautiful again as I heal, but in a truer and more real way. All of us still want to Love ultimately but we will never love ignorantly again, that’s for sure.

Being on the “other” side, I now hear stories he has said about me…for instance he told a group of people that “she was never devoted”….he “knows” that is a lie. I have also heard that I am an alcoholic and delusional and that I went insane in that last class when I confronted Ryker and Zena, in defense of him….from what (?)…I didn’t know until the e-mail just a few days later….and now I understand that they didn’t even know the magnitude of the devastation he had done. People who are still with him have told me that I sound like I’m in Kindergarten because I have said that “I won’t ever be in a lie again” and “I will never lie for someone again”, a concept that cannot be understood by someone who’s only desire is to protect him. I say, you are protecting a sexual predator and you need to be aware of that fact. We were all pawns in his game and our giving hearts were used for his illness/benefit….no longer friend…no longer.

He is the one who will suffer the most in the end because I still believe in karma and I believe that we all have to face ourselves in the final moments I still believe this to be true. I will not be deceived again and I am available to my friends who have suffered; unfortunately, some I cannot approach because of the magnitude of their devastations….I only hope that we can all live again in harmony on this Earth.

In truth, meditation is not the problem; it saved me from suicide the first six months after the e-mail. I still meditate daily I find solace in that place of surrender, where I am no-one. I am grateful to Xebec he has helped me tremendously through this period and am grateful to a healer I’ve been working with who has helped my cells to heal…I am still in the process of healing.

Much Love and Gratitude to you and the service you are providing to all of us.