Tower: 3. My First Year

The first year in the group was very full for me. During the week I was visiting I wasn’t really invited to anything except Satsang… but after I relocated, I had this idea I’d get my feet wet… come to Satsangs and then, a couple of months later, start coming to one of the other functions. But it didn’t work out that way. I came to everything. Right away. I wasn’t really looking to be THAT engulfed, THAT quickly, because moving to a new place has it’s own stuff associated with it: finding a job, finding a place to live… but right away, I was moved into a Holy House. I was moved in with another person that was new to the group. That was Vidal. I would have to say that was very fortunate. Because we helped each other a lot over the years. And right away, I started coming to Monday night class, Tuesday night meditations, Wednesday night dinners (which I hated), Thursday night Satsangs, Friday night movies (which I loved cause I loved movies in general) and Sunday outings, in the morning, and then Satsang later. So basically my schedule hadn’t really changed from my early church exposure.

It was that first year that I came out of the closet – to myself and the group. I felt it was safe to be gay in this environment. I also started having cleansing with Angelo, which continue every week for 15 years until, in my last 3 years, it became every 3 weeks. I did get to “work on” a lot of my issues. Even though it was through that past-life hypnotherapy technique that I think he picked up in the seventies somewhere. Basically, you “close your eyes and go down a long flight of steps, with each step you become deeper and deeper relaxed.” Then he counts to 10 and when he reached 10, you were hypnotized. I was never actually hypnotized. I had studied hypnotism a little in college so I knew what to expect, and what he led me through did put me in a very suggestive state. And just by revisiting episodes from my past with him… yeah, I think I discovered a lot about myself and my inner motivations.

My first year also included the retreat to Mammoth. That was the retreat where a bunch of disciples received The Knowing… the last group really because that was the last Knowing Session we had. Strike that… that was the last one before I left the group. Ironically, we went 16 years without a Knowing Session and suddenly, when he thought people were leaving, he started passing The Knowing around like cookies to encourage people to stay… but that was the last formal session in the time I was with him). The retreats were fantastic and full and peaceful and hectic… it was really concentrated… I’d get up and do service (I was always on breakfast service) and then I’d have an hour before Angelo would show up for an outing and then we’d all go on an outing where we’d hike, swim and play games (like “be a chipmunk” or whatever) We played and sang and then we’d come back and have dinner together and gather in a large “community room” and watch a video together. They were dumbass nature videos on things like wildebeasts… we saw about 20 videos on wildebeasts . I was surprised there was ONE video on wildebeasts and we saw 20 of them! But I always found them interesting, entertaining and funny. We’d watch the videos and pass around cookies and then there would be sharing… I always loved satsang. I always loved turning everything into an excuse to love more. I loved it then and I continue to love it now.

I think that first year in the group layed the groundwork for what my life in the group would be like. I was really close to my sister, Xena (of course) and Ryker (who was kind of Second-in-Command) so they sheltered me from a lot of the crap that I think many new people had to wade through on their own. They pretty much told me flat-out, “There are a few people that you can listen to, but there are a lot of people with some very weird concepts, so if you have any questions come to us and ask.” Which I was very grateful for.

I never sought any sort of “position” in the group. I wasn’t part of the Inner Circle, I didn’t have the Knowing… Vidal and I used to joke that we didn’t have The Knowing, we had “The Suspicion”… we suspected all the people with the Knowing were full of shit. And we initiated as many people into that as we could. I’m kidding of course, but in many ways, I’m not. Since we left the group, we’ve each been offered to have it revealed to us and I think it’s funny that, separately, we both decided that we love our experience and don’t need anything else. And of the people we know who had it revealed to them, I can’t say that it seems to have helped any of them in any discernible way.

I guess, officially, I was an Aspirant my whole time in the group. Regardless of the limitation conveyed by that, however, I loved meditation. And Angelo was always giving us new techniques or things to experiment with… like to be “no thought”, or to “follow your breath”… I don’t know if anyone else did that but me actually, but there would always be some new way that Angelo phrased something that I could practice and see what came of it. But I was VERY aware of experiencing Shakti. I remember my first experiences with Shakti were actually painful, physically… it felt like there was a belt on my head that was being tightened… painfully so… but that went away after a while. I have no idea what that was. Some people thought Shakti came from Angelo but… I think that’s a naïve way of thinking of it. Like, in the beginning with open-eye meditation. You are there with someone, silently communing through your eyes and since it’s new to you and you don’t know any better, you think the other person may be doing something if you get blissed out… or you start wondering if they can see into your thoughts or something. I remember the first time I got Shakti from Angelo, it was Groundhog’s Day… I raised my hand when he asked who would like to receive Shakti and I got invited to the little back room… there were other people there and I remember pranaming at his feet (which I was told before I entered the room that that was customary) and then he said, “Come here.” And I did. And that’s when I realized he didn’t brush his teeth enough…. I have a vivid memory of thinking, “Oh my God, his breath stinks.” It’s funny what you remember. I remember after I received Shakti, I totally opened myself and just allowed whatever was going to happen to happen. I was completely open. And I remember it was incredible… peaceful and still. Everything became very silly and light. I could hear people whispering in the kitchen and I was so still and everything was so quiet that I felt like I could listen anywhere in the world I wanted. That was the primary thing.. the still peaceful serenity of it. And that’s what I fell in love with. I thought it was something Angelo was doing at the time…. Something that I just had to be open to. But once I knew it was possible, then it became accessible all the time whether he was there as a catalyst or not. Was he necessary that first time or was it only necessary that I allow the possibility of that? I’ll probably never really know that.

I knew my family and friends would not have understood this group I was in. They would have thought it was a cult (with good reason it turns out). That’s why we had to hide everything and lie about everything. On some level I think we knew that’s what it was. We just thought it was harmless and potentially very rewarding. I didn’t like having to lie to everybody. It alienates you from them and I think it’s the beginning of that feeling of superiority when you start separating yourself from others because “they just won’t understand”. But those outside the group are dismissed as “dead” (meaning spiritually dead but the connotation is that they don’t matter… it’s as if they are already dead to us.)