Tower: 2. My Intro to Satsang

After college, I was working in Maryland when I first heard Satsang. I was already looking for the “meaning of life” -- that stage where you graduate from college and one stage of your life has ended and you're facing the rest of it… thinking, “This is it? This is my life from here on out?” I had moved away from the church during college because I couldn't reconcile a lot of the teachings of the Church within myself, so now I was reading books on Edgar Cayce, a psychic from Virginia Beach. His teachings were still very Christian... but that made me feel less weird about reading it. It was edge-y but still based in Christianity. Anyway, I joined a group while I was working in Maryland where we met to discuss Cayce’s teachings and to meditate together. I was still looking for someone who knew the answers; however, at my first meeting, they wanted me to be the leader and I thought, “What? Shit! I've stumbled onto a bunch of losers. They don't know any more than I do, and they want to follow me.” Which was not what I was looking for.

Around this time, my sister Xena, became involved with the Buddha Field. Our whole lives, we would always share our spiritual journey with each other. So she was sharing with me about this group of people she had found, and how beautiful it was. And she would talk about the teacher, Angelo, and how he was like Jesus (because we had no framework for a spiritual master outside of Jesus at that time) He was something Divine, but on earth… accessible. But that had a lot of connotations too. I heard that and I thought “He's like Jesus? Does that mean he doesn’t have to brush his teeth?” And she said, “Well no, he doesn't have to, but luckily for us he does.” Which I later discovered he doesn’t do nearly enough. Talking with her about the group and Angelo really intrigued me so I started thinking I should go check it out to see if this is what I have been looking for.

Meanwhile, both Xena's manager and her agent (she was an actress at the time) had become concerned that she was involved in a cult and when their efforts at convincing her failed, they called my parents to try and get them to intervene. Naturally, my parents freaked out. But since I had been talking to Xena about the group, and it didn’t sound like she was in danger, I offered to go visit her and see what I thought about what was going on.

As soon as I got off the plane, Xena met me with Ryker and there was an instant connection with him, he felt like family – familiar somehow. I think I came to a Satsang meeting the next night. It was an open meeting -- at the time you didn't have to be screened or anything, you could just walk in. Ryker was the one sharing that night and it was beautiful. Really beautiful. About life being all about love and not our petty thoughts. About how we’re all one. About how the greatest thing you can do with this life is to spend it serving God and discovering your own divinity… beyond what anyone else tells you… discovering it as your own personal experience. And that this man existed that could, through his touch, reveal God to you and then every action in your life would be from that Divine place. I remember thinking “This is what I want. This is what I want my life to be about --a life beyond the mundane.” It triggered that desire in me that wanted something more and thought that maybe this could be it.

The day after I arrived, I was visiting with several members of the group and Angelo walked in. I barely had time to think, “Oh, this is the guy” when everyone froze in Namaste and then stayed frozen and focussed on him as he walked around. After a while, he looked at me and snorted, “Hmph. You were about to create some karma”. And I remember wondering, “What karma was I about to create? Can he really see that? Is this a man that can see other people's karma and can see what they need?” Because, that was interesting if true. But that was it, that was the entire exchange. He continued to walk around and then said Namaste again and left… and everyone unfroze.

I heard Angelo share satsang near the end of my visit…. He had a funny accent… funny as in I like accents so it was neat. I remember they did this thing they called “sharing prashad” where someone offered you food silently and you just stared at each other for a moment… it was called “open eye meditation” and the idea was just to be in love, silently, with each other for a moment -- and I thought that was neat cause I had never seen that before. What Angelo shared during the meeting, well, to be honest, I think I got more out of what Ryker shared. I think if I had not been exposed to Ryker’s sharing, I would not have been as attracted to satsang. I’m not sure of the difference I saw then, but I remember thinking that it WAS different… less practical and more Indian, more Hindu. But I loved that too, that there were different flavors and ways of expressing their experience.

Another strong memory of that visit was meeting Dharma. She and Mirra were at someone’s house watching a video and I came in with my sister. Dharma asked me what I thought of Satsang, and I said, “I've never seen so many people that have so much love to share and are so willing to be loved in return.” And Dharma said, “That's it exactly.” She said it with so much enthusiasm and excitement that I thought, “Oh god, are they going to want me to be the leader of this group too?” I’m kidding -- a little… but I do remember that. And I remember being so touched by a community where everyone aspired to a life greater than the mundane and interacted with people from that place. And that's what I wanted for my life. That was a huge incentive for me. That and the Knowing. At that time, there was much talk about “the knowing,” the direct experience of God which Angelo could reveal to you. He and a few people in the group were experiencing it. It was a very big deal. And that experience was available by participation in the group. I loved the idea of that but I don't know if I bought it completely... for various reasons…. but it's hard to remember specific thoughts from 20 years ago. But whether or not that part was true, I thought it was worth spending time in the company of people that were wanting more out of life. And so, after my visit was over, I went back to Maryland, gave notice at work and made plans to move there. I ended up moving to Hollywood two months later, assuring my parents that it wasn’t a cult, because I really didn’t think it was at the time. I just thought it was neat.

Another thing that made the group attractive to me was that I had started realizing I was gay around that time. It was one of those things where I had always known but I could not and would not admit it, even to myself.. perhaps especially to myself because, in the church, it meant I was going to go to burn in hell for eternity… for this thing that I didn’t like about myself but couldn’t change. So, when I meet this guy, Angelo, who is so obviously gay… who is running this group, I thought it was cool… and it became OK to be gay. There was a measure of self-acceptance that was encouraged that I had never felt before. And I could be in this group, and be spiritual and be godly without having to worry about eternal damnation. I was 27 so this was around 1988.

I was really excited about joining the group… but I guess on a certain level I was tentative as well. I remember deciding that I was going to give this thing a shot for 2 years and then re-evaluate… and at the time 2 years seemed like nothing -- it seemed like a reasonable amount of time to give it to see if my life was changing in a positive way and if I wanted to continue. The only thing I remember being a little put off by was the “Knowing”… there was an attitude and an arrogance associated with it that I found … not what I wanted to be… as a spiritual person… it’s nothing specific I could point to… it was just something that felt funny… I had a LOT of questions when I first came around, but Ryker and Xena were very patient with me… I hung out a lot with them. And even though they answered a lot of my questions, they also responded a lot with, “You’re asking questions and some of the questions have no answers so you just have to wait and see.” Which was true… a lot of things you do have to wait and experience yourself.

I was really impressed with the community; the love… the idea… the concept. It was so far beyond what I thought the rest of my life held for me. It was an opportunity to be part of something bigger than my little 8-5 job in Maryland. To become “free” myself, or, at least to be in a place where I was facilitating that with other people. I was really excited about that.