Tower: 6. What's Lists Got To Do With It?
About the lists. It seemed like there were lists kept about everything. Basically, if you got on a list, Angelo would try the psychic routine on you or try to subtley guide you into correct behavior… but if you repeatedly appeared on the list and he felt like you were making it into an “issue” or a “stance”, you would be brought up in class and publicly humiliated. It engendered a parental-type of fear where you constantly felt like you were going to get into trouble. A lot of people seemed afraid of being tattled on. I went to everything because I had services and responsibilities I had taken on that I took very seriously and I felt like if I “ditched” then it would affect other people (like if I didn’t set up for Satsang, who was going to?) Or, maybe my friends also had something to do with it. I went on the Sunday outings because I rode in the car with my friends. If they hadn’t gone, I probably wouldn’t have. But I did realize that if I didn’t go to something because “I didn’t really get anything out of it” then it immediately would become an issue. It seemed if you weren’t doing EVERYTHING, then you’re not really doing ANYTHING. If you’re not surrendered about EVERYTHING, then all the rest of your surrender means NOTHING. Nothing you did had any lasting value so if you missed the last event, IT was the only thing that mattered. You were constantly being “tested” and you were only as good as your last test. There were shows the group went to (at a local performance arts theater) and I remember when people missed a ballet performance, they would be grilled about where they were, why they weren’t at the performance and what were they choosing above god. In front of everyone, for whatever reason, people didn’t feel like it was ok, to say “I think ballet sucks and I don’t want to participate in that”. No one felt like they could get away with that without being asked to leave the group.
I felt like MOST of my actions were motivated by love -- of meditation and my close friends in the group. Most of them. There were some things that I participated in because I didn’t want to deal with the hassle that I knew would be created if I took a stand and didn’t go. That’s how it was seen. That you were taking a stand. You had to play sick or something. I did learn that if I missed something, just be OK with being on display as a f.ck-up. If you let him use you as an example of someone who’s actions were “off” then it was kind of OK. But if anyone dared to take the attitude that “I didn’t go because I didn’t want to and it’s my right to do that”, then it would freak him out. Because not only are you taking a stand, then others might do the same thing and then what happens to his control? You are presenting a challenge to his authority and that doesn’t go over well. I wasn’t scared of him, but I did know there was a lot of bullshit that you’d have to go thru if you didn’t handle things in the right way.
I liked most of the people in the group but I was only really close to a few of them. I was close to Ryker. I found him to be a beautiful example of someone that had keen insight and a great ability at sharing. His sharings were better than Angelo’s sharings to me. He could share in a practical way about something that is very spiritual in nature. I loved that quality. I also found Xena inspiring. She was someone that loved to be in love and loved to serve and loved to laugh. She had a quality that, if I could say what my idea of an ideal disciple would be, it would have been her. She loved Angelo and did a ton of stuff for him out of her love for him… she wasn’t brainwashed to the extent that other people were (mostly) but she had a different relationship with him than most people did. She didn’t just blindly do things. But she was truly devoted to her experience. Vidal was truly like my brother. He and I served as sounding boards for each other. We are very close and it was great having somebody that I knew wouldn’t judge me -- because if you shared something with someone there was always the chance that they’d repeat what you said and then you’d be judged as being f.cked up or “in a space” and people would start acting weird toward you. It was something you could definitely feel happening, altho it’s hard to pinpoint exact behavior changes toward you. But you could always tell when it was going on. It was very tangible.
Random other people inspired me also. When I see someone going beyond a self-imposed limitation… that’s inspiring. In the Buddha Field or in the real world. But being around certain people, I saw the most behind-the-scenes stuff with them. I was always really impressed with Justice because he seemed like he had given up his whole life to do this god-thing. He didn’t have a job, or friends outside of the group. He was completely and totally involved 24-hours-a-day, every day. At one point, during break-down for some fuction, Hebetudino told me that I was the glue that held everything together (because I was so involved with setup and breakdown at all the functions I suppose). I laughed at that because I was so NOT the glue. I was the janitor. But Justice… he was more like the glue. I didn’t really think about it but I saw him as someone that was completely giving their life over to the group. That’s always inspiring… from the things he would say in class, I didn’t feel like he was just doing the blind worship thing that some people did: where they didn’t really have an experience of their own but would cover it up with “there are no words.” He would share from a very real place what his experience was… in the hopes that he could help someone that was going through something similar.
As far as people I had problems with. Everyone I had problems with had an arrogance or sense of entitlement. I hated that. Leitch is the first person that comes to mind. Him, I didn’t like. I thought he a dick. I don’t know how to say it differently. But that doesn’t convey it. He was insidious… even tho he would mouth off spiritually about things… his day-to-day life seemed to be the most uninspiring, low-energy, unspiritual example of anyone I knew in the group. And yet, he was one of the ones very into his image. I remember the first conversation I had with him he said, ‘Maybe we could work together and you could benefit from being around my energy.” I said, “Yeah, and you could benefit from being around mine.” I heard Ryker crack up in the front seat at the time. But that was my typical experience with Leitch because he would always try to pull that crap. I saw him do it to a bunch of people and it actually worked on them. But with me, I just thought, “Who the hell are you?” But it’s that quality I was disgusted by… that arrogant sense of entitlement.
Also, with Verthlessa. I saw her as a useless waste of breath. She never seemed to have an idea of her own. She just parotted things Angelo would tell her. Maybe she meditated in the mornings but then she would leave it on her pillow when she got up. She was always the drama queen that was going thru something and there was some reason why she couldn’t be in meditation at that time. And I think Salila picked up a lot of her bad traits. She hung around Verthlessa a lot and when I lived with her, I noticed there were many similarities between the two of them. There was a spoiled, selfish quality that they felt was justified somehow. Now, Salila, I have to hand it to her. Her heart was beautiful and she loved serving Angelo. And she would organize these holiday dinners (and then go to bed for a week because it exhausted her. Well, OK. You basically walked around with a clipboard but whatever.) But there was still this arrogance and entitlement that I felt exceptionally strongly in those people. Again, most people in the group, I liked. But those 3 people (in particular) over the years… rubbed me the wrong way. And I’m sure I was obnoxious to them as well, because I‘m WANTING to be in love, and I’m TRYING to be in love and I would see them fresh and new… and time after time they would bring everything into a petty place. So, I’m sure I reacted badly to them. I don’t remember doing anything off-hand, but I’m sure it happened.
When I got to deal with these feelings with Angelo, I got to look at how I was projecting the past on the situation or on those people. Or how it was because I had an idea of what people should be or how they should be with each other… but it was one of those things where, even if you expect NOTHING from someone… it’s amazing how much NOTHING they are actually willing to give. How low their bar for basic human courtesy was lowered. I didn’t know THAT was an expectation… but evidently so. I would constantly learn that what I was expecting was beyond the scope of some people. And a lot of time with those people, Angelo would just tell me to have compassion because that’s all they’ve got to give. Don’t know if he actually thought that or was just telling me that at the time to “handle” me. It’s interesting to me that they are all still with him however. I’m amused by that. Good riddance, I say. Now HE can deal with them.
