Tower:13.Outside In
I actually thought leaving the Buddha Field would be nothing. My idea in my earlier years with the group would have been different. Leaving would mean my whole life would change. I’d lose my support system, my friends, my possibility of freedom in this life (in the very beginning) Because I didn’t really have anything except the friends and love that I had developed within the group. However, after I hit that point where I stoppped caring what anybody thought (even Angelo), then I knew I could walk away and life would continue. I wasn’t sure what form life would take after that, but I thought it would be seamless to me. Because I wasn’t really doing the Buddha Field thing anyway, right? Not the way we were supposed to do it. Not anymore. What surprised me was that it wasn’t until a couple of months after Angelo left town that I realized I had picked up more of the Buddha Field doctrine than I realized. It’s very insidious. You can’t see it when you’re in it. You have to have a perspective outside of it. It’s like how Angelo always said that you can’t heal the mind with the mind. It’s like that. You can’t actually see the Buddha Field from inside the Buddha Field. You think you can. But you can’t. You need the perspective of being outside and being normal and not having the pressure of people talking to you and talking you back into that way of thinking.
My experience of the group, from the outside looking in, is that… the idea is beautiful. And the goal is beautiful. But it doesn’t work. And they don’t realize that it doesn’t work. Some people told me they were staying with him because “what else am I going to do?” They don’t have anything else in their life. They are there because they don’t have anything better to do. They think the group (or Angelo) will take care of them in their old age. While within the group, it’s probably easy to forget how easy it is for him to cut off a relationship that becomes inconvenient for him. He in no way feels obligated or that he owes them anything. So, I think if that is why people stay, it’s unfortunate. There were some amazingly beautiful, open-hearted people in that group. But the dynamic of the group, while it feels expansive, is actually extremely confining and ultimately stunts your growth. I have heard from some people among “Those Who Remain,” that things are completely different now. That the dynamic has changed and it’s not like it was before. But I also know that’s exactly what we were saying when we ran from the last city and relocated to
I’ve talked with some of the people around town now. Some of the “dead” people involved in other spiritual groups. And they said they knew what was going on with our group even though we thought we were so discreet. They didn’t know details, but they knew we were a cult. But they also knew that anybody that’s serious about their spiritual journey, will only be side-tracked by that temporarily. It’s only going to work for a while and then you have to find your way out of it. And there’s nothing you can really do for someone in a cult until they become dissatisfied with it.
Through the years, others would would come forward with their own allegations. But the allegations are usually dismissed as crazy ramblings. I think it came down to a matter of trust. I trusted Angelo more than I trusted these other people. It would have been different if it were Xena coming forward and saying something. And with “Those Who Remain,” I’m sure that’s part of it. With the guys that have come forward about being molested now, if it were different people, if it were someone they were close to… perhaps they would not be so quick to dismiss it. When you trust someone, you have to evaluate: Do I trust this is true or do I trust the person that I know would not do that? In the past, I think there was a deeper trust that Angelo always chose the highest. But after decades of being able to observe how easily deception and lies flowed out of him, it became harder to ride on that trust. I think that was what was different this time.
As far as healing goes… I think I’m at a 9. I only hold back on giving it a 10 because maybe there are things that I haven’t coped with that I don’t know about. Or maybe there are some things I still don’t know about or haven’t considered. And still, there are times when I just cry. I cry for the death of something beautiful. Sometimes I’m not even sure what I’m crying for. When something like this happens, it shakes everything. I can never really know what’s true. Not really. I see people around me behaving in irrational ways and wonder if I’m doing that and just can’t see it. Or I see people shoving it to the side and refusing to deal with it and wonder if I’m doing that in some way as well. The only thing I know is that I really do not know anything at all. Sometimes I mourn the loss of knowing everything. Of being resolute. Of being sure. I mourn the loss of innocence and trust. I yearn for a return to the carefree days of my spiritual youth… before the days of taking responsibility for my choices. For a moment. And then I expand into the more full spiritual being that I’ve become as a result of all of this. And there is no more mourning.
I would absolutely do this all over again. Because where I am now… I love me. I love my experience. I love who I have become. And if I changed anything, I don’t know what else would change along with it. I might have chosen a different job but if I had, then I might have followed that job and I would have changed other choices that I made. I like where I have ended up so much, that I would not choose to change anything because I wouldn’t want to risk anything being different.
