Tower:14. Reflections-1
I did hear “spin” about why people left the group. I heard that those who left were the more puritanical members of the group that had a problem with Angelo having sex. I heard that was how some people were told about the contents of Lute’s email (the ones that hadn’t received it themselves.) “They had a problem with Angelo having sex. Do you have a problem with him having sex? They had a problem with him taking money for cleansing. Do you have a problem with that? No? Then you don’t have a problem with anything in the letter.” While that probably did happen once or twice, I’m sure that was an isolated incident. Again, I’m having to weigh my own experience of these people against what I’ve heard from those that have since left the group. But this type of response certainly jives with my experience of how we usually dealt with things. Everything was swept under the rug. Diminished and dismissed. At various times, from various people that have left, I have heard that: “It’s all Ryker’s fault.. .he’s Judas, he’s The Great Betrayer;” “It’s all Xena’s fault. She lured Drustanus away from Angelo and started him on the path away from his Divinity.” I think the villain changed according to whoever the audience was and whoever Angelo could get away with blaming in that moment. But I heard from people that went with Angelo initially, that they subsequently left because of the way he was talking crap about everyone. I haven’t heard anything specific about why I left. I was usually overlooked in the group and if they said anything about me it was probably “Well, of course Tower is going to follow Xena. He followed her here, he’s going to follow her out.” That’s what I would guess was said about me.
My path now? I don’t think that I have a path now. I’m enjoying where I’ve come. And if there is more, then that’s great. But I don’t feel like I’m missing anything so whatever path I happen to be on is my path right now. I think what happens from here is wide open. I was really excited about the Mystery School at the beginning. I had been delving into some new age stuff, that seemed so esoteric and complicated. And satsang was so easy. Just sit and be love. That’s it. It was very simple and something that was perfect for what I was looking for. Now I have that. Amazing. Would I have it if Angelo had not been in my life? I have no idea. I can’t say that he was a necessary part of getting here. Only that that’s what it took for me. But now I’m finding that everything is so interesting. Now I can read about the Zero Point Energy field or The Secret or anything else that I would have dismissed before. Because how can I judge something as being ridiculous when I served a sexual predator for 18 years? I’ve given up my right to judge anyone else’s beliefs. There’s just what works for me and what doesn’t. So that opens me up to everything again. I can take what works and leave what doesn’t, without judgment. Everything has just become fascinating.
To me, the most beautiful thing about the group was the simplicity. People were willing to allow themselves to love others and to receive it in return. People going beyond their ideas about who they were… whether it was someone in a wheelchair that pushes beyond what everyone thinks are his limitations, or someone that’s afraid of water that dives in and swims on an outing. But what I loved the most, was the simplicity of the approach to God. Just sit, be still and be in love.
When I first met Angelo, I had come from reading a lot of science fiction and fantasy books so I had the model in my head of the wizard and his apprentice… someone with special knowledge that could take me and show me how to be a wizard too. I think I was looking for that. So, when I met him there was that possibility. I didn’t consciously think he was a wizard. More like Rumpelstiltskin maybe. Someone that could serve as a catalyst for an alchemical change in something… to make it into something completely different. And Angelo was literally the “answer to my prayers.” When I was working in Maryland, after I had heard about the Buddha Field and Angelo, I remember riding in the car with a friend. I was miserable. I remember looking up at the sky and sending out a prayer, “Angelo, if you can hear me… if there is any energy out there that is capable of responding to me… I hate my life, I hate who I am. I hate everything about what my life has become. I want to be able to love… fully and completely love (because at the time I felt dead inside) and it doesn’t matter if it’s tragic like in romance novels where people fall in love and one of them takes a ship overseas and the other is left pining after them forever. (By the way… never, ever, ever pray a prayer like that. It’s a long story, but trust me on this.) Just as long as I can have a chance to love in this life. Please, if such a thing exists… Please lift me out of this quagmire of a life and allow me to experience that.” And before you ask, no, I don’t think that he heard my prayer. But I think the universe did. I think it clicked into place this series of adventures that would fulfill that desire I had expressed.
Which of my actions in the group was I proud of? People would tell me that they found me easy to talk to and perhaps one reason was that when they would confide in me privately, I would keep it to myself. In the group, that was “frowned upon.” You were supposed to tell Angelo everything and betray all secrets to him because he was their master and only he knew what to do with the information. But my own personal sense of integrity wouldn’t allow that. I felt like the choice to confide something to Angelo needed to stay THEIR choice. Our lives are defined by the choices and decisions we’ve made. Each choice shapes us and our life into a new pattern. In taking away that choice, you are forever removing their opportunity to shape their life in that particular way. With each choice you take away, you take away that potential from their life. Ultimately, if you take away all choices from them, they are left with a life that has no potential. And that’s not really a life at all. So I guess I am proud of keeping my own virtue and sense of honor intact about that. I’m proud also that, even though there are some actions I would not have taken if I were not “under the influence,” I tried to live a very spiritual life -- and by that I mean, live a life as I thought Jesus (or someone who is free) would have lived. And coming at every choice from that place.
The red flags to me were all the lies and pretense. Both in and outside the group. There was a lot of artificially created pomp and circumstance around Angelo and, the thing is, the sweeter and more beautiful something is, the less fanfare it needs. Beauty doesn’t need a fanfare because it’s its own fanfare. The tendency to create a fanfare around Angelo was there from the very beginning. But it took on a different quality near the end. More worshipful. In a normal conversation, my roommate would talk about praying to him. She was an event planner and she would pray to Angelo that it not rain on her event. Which is OK I guess. But it’s so far beyond my experience. We’re here to drop our opinions about what needs to happen and trust that life has for us what we need, and you are praying that it not rain on your event? I mean, if you’re going to pray, why not pray for peace in the Middle East or something. If he has the power to grant prayers, why pray for something so freakin’ shallow? I guess from my upbringing in church, I was already conditioned against that sort of thing.
