Tower:19. Therapy

The way cleansings were described to me was that there were several things going on at once. You were working on some psychological issue you have, where you allow yourself to go back to that time and transform it to a higher vibration. But it was also said that that was just an “excuse” to spend time around someone in a higher vibration in the hopes that your own vibration would “sync up” with his. I got a lot out of cleansings initially. But he only used that one technique -- maybe it’s because he was so familiar with it. Basically you close your eyes and “go down a long flight of steps. With each step you grow deeper and deeper relaxed.” Then, you talk about whatever is bothering you and see yourself there in that situation. Then you go “back in time, back in time, to where you first felt this” and imagine yourself in some scene out of your past where you were feeling something similar. You see where the feeling originally came from. You deal with the feelings in the past. You whiz back to where those feelings appear again in the present and apply what you learned in the past. Then, he gives you some hypnotic suggestions and counts to three and you open your eyes. People have asked me if I thought Angelo was doing anything when my eyes were closed. I knew sometimes he had fallen asleep during my cleansings (because I’d peek.) And sometimes he’d get up and be doing things in the bathroom. Sometimes I’d hear a video machine fast-forwarding or rewinding, and clicks, so I knew he was doing something with that. Sometimes I’d hear him get down in the floor and do yoga. But I was there for ME. So I pretty much just ignored all of that. I hadn’t had therapy so it didn’t occur to me that that wasn’t normal.

My cleansings were occasionally brought up in front of other people but if I had ever felt betrayed and that he was bringing it up inappropriately, I would have said something to him at the next cleansing. I think he knew that. He did bring up some things that embarassed me but usually it was something like, “This is what we worked on about your mother” to point out my issues that were relevant to something going on in class. But I’m not aware of anything he told other people about what I worked on. But this was the work we were doing in this community so I didn’t really care about most of this. I didn’t really have an image to maintain. I do remember telling him once that I didn’t want something being known outside that room, and to my knowledge he never betrayed that. But if he had, that would have been IT for me. Because I could never have trusted him again. Maybe he knew that. But for the most part, I didn’t care how people in the group saw me. Because my friends knew what was going on with me and they were the ones whose opinions mattered to me. So what he repeated and what others believed, wasn’t really important to me.

Angelo sometimes talked to me about what other people had worked on, but only in light of what I was working on with him. I never thought he brought up other people with me in a gossipy way or to prove to me how screwed up they were. But I wasn’t looking for that and didn’t care about it so to be honest I probably wouldn’t have noticed if he WAS doing it. I didn’t really talk to him outside of cleansing or class. I didn’t really have that casual type of interaction with him… where I think that was more likely to have happened.

My understanding of transference is that it’s very easy for clients or patients to project love onto their physical or mental therapist because this person represents their “savior” in some way. It’s very easy for them to project someone that they loved or felt safe/protected with on this person and anyone actually trained in psychotherapy is taught to recognize that and try to minimize it when it comes up. I certainly don’t think Angelo did that. He consistently emphasized that he was our spiritual parent. Our spiritual father and mother. The ultimate authority. The be-all, end-all. He was our spiritual leader that we were never to question. We were only to follow his guidance and trust. I think he tried to play any part that he needed to that gave him a “trigger” to use with us. To manipulate us. I don’t think he thinks of it in that way, but that’s basically what it is. So, any feelings like that he actually encouraged. I wasn’t looking for a parent and I told him that outright. During my second or third year with the group, some people were feeling jealous that the cute guys were getting all the attention. And I suppose I made some sort of joke about it (because I joked about EVERYTHING) and Verthlessa must have reported it. So, Angelo brought it up in my next cleansing. He told me that he had heard the rumors and he thought that with my psychological makeup, such jealousy might be a factor for me. I said, “To be honest, I’m not looking for your attention. I’m not looking for a lover or a parent. The thing I have found transformative has never been your love for me. It’s always been my love for you. And that is unaffected by whoever you choose to be sleeping with.” So that was all I heard about that.