1. Memoirs from Fellini
According to my recollection, Ryker’s account is quite accurate. Of course it is from his perspective but for the most part, the chronological data is right on, therefore, I will not belabor the detailed history. Ryker did an excellent job at that.
I choose to share with you my opinion of how something like this could happen and why it still continues regardless of the facts.
When I was 14 years old I was studying Hinduism and I came across the word “nirvana”. Nirvana was defined as the direct experience of God through a practice of meditation. The western paradigm taught us that man was man and God was God and never the twain shall meet; well, not in this life anyway. But when I heard about nirvana I knew in my heart that God must be available to each and everyone of us, right here, right now. From that day on I was in search of nirvana.
I entered the picture in the earlier days when, as Ryker points out, things were not as they became. In the beginning Angelo did not refer to himself as a master. Nor was anyone expected to worship or mollycoddle him. He was his own man. That’s what I was attracted to the most. He spoke of his Divine experience through a specific practice of meditation that led me to believe that I had arrived at my destiny, the direct experience of God; I had found my way to nirvana.
He was independent and very self-reliant. He had, what seemed to be, an admirably disciplined spiritual life that I was inspired by from the start. I just wanted to hang out with this guy, and he let me. His presence was captivating but his demeanor was, although loving, aloof always aloof.
It did not take long for his little band of enthusiasts to expand exponentially. The more types of people came the weirder it started to get. Different individuals all had their unique flavors and perspectives and older Holy Company definitely dictated the protocol. Even still, at the time Angelo just sort of LET it happen. He never said kiss my feet but when people did, he never said stop. After a while, as new people came in and saw people kissing his feet, so to speak, they just assumed that that was the code of behavior. Eventually, that kind of extreme adulation was common practice.
Throughout the years I would carefully, (it was always wise to be careful how one said things), confront him on these behaviors. I had a gut feeling about it but he always had an acceptable answer, (at least acceptable at the time). It was usually something like “different people required different things for their spiritual growth”; and “some,” he would say;” needed to express their love for God through a live, tangible being,” of which he reluctantly chose to sacrifice himself for their spiritual development. OK, he seemed to have a posture of Divinity about him, maybe he knew something I didn’t. Who am I to question, I was still grappling with my own perceived spiritual inadequacies. And if this was the sure fire way to nirvana what have I got to loose.
Throughout the years I witnessed new habits of behavior being cultivated with every new generation of devotees, succeeding the distorted patterns of the previous generations that were climbing the ranks of the BF hierarchy. For some reason, this was never openly spoken about amongst any of us, oh perhaps an occasional sarcastic whisper to ones most trusted and intimate confidant; but always poised for denial if confronted. So as the years went on, our band of merry Godlings became more and more perverse and the man’s man that I had originally followed slipped into this bizarre caricature out of a Fellini film.
As far as Angelo’s sexual antics, I heard that some are under the impression that I knew about them all along. I choose to clarify this. Angelo is a gay man. Duh! Anyone who could not figure that out, well…
In the beginning, there were rumors of his relationships from time to time with other “gay” men. Now this was something that one did not openly talk about because frankly it didn’t seem like anyone’s business. It certainly wasn’t my place and those who were involved with him may have their horror stories to tell now, but they certainly were not telling them then. So, who knew? There were people who lived with him and people who were with him every night for years that claim that they did not know what was going on.
I did ask him about his relationships on occasion and he would flat out deny them. I ask any of you…how far do you think I would have gotten if I dared to publicly expose the “master” as a liar, based on rumors and hearsay? I had no proof and no reason at the time to suspect abuse or non consensual behavior. I just figured he kept his affairs quiet so that others would not get jealous, although many were anyway.
