Justice: 10. The Loss of Pépé Leputois

Nobody was emotionally stable by the time we reached San Francisco. If one person freaked out, then that freaked out someone else and it snowballed. Everybody was feeding off of each other’s anxieties. And into this bed of anxiety walks Pépé Leputois.

Pépé Leputois shows up to relieve whoever was cooking then. I hadn’t seen him the whole time we had been on the run. It seemed like forever. And I was so excited. But when he got there, he wouldn’t even look at me. Much less talk to me. At first, I thought maybe he was being guided to do that again. Angelo was always guiding him not to talk to me. “You can’t receive the Knowing unless you stop talking to Justice.” Angelo screwed with him from the beginning. Poor Pépé Leputois.

But Angelo hadn’t been in L.A. so the attitude Pépé Leputois showed up with was his own. Something must have been so painful for him that he couldn’t even acknowledge me. Usually I play the fatherly role… the helper… call it ego or whatever. But because I wasn’t very stable at the time, I couldn’t. I didn’t have it to give. He needed me… but I had had to grow too numb to deal with what my life had become. Too numb to know what he needed. Too numb to know that I needed him. I was playing the role of this high-rolling spiritual being. That was the only way I could cope.

I met Pépé Leputois back when he was new to the group. He was this really quiet, shy kid and I made a point to connect with him. I always saw myself (kind of arrogantly so) as the one that had something to give. So, I thought I’d take him on and help him. We’d have these open eye meditations and we’d both skyrocket. And then, one day, I kissed him. And we just fell wildly in love.

It may sound like I’m romancing it, but that’s because it was romance… we were crazy in love. I still have the letters we wrote each other. People may not have been aware of it at that time, because everything like that was top secret back then. It was never talked about. But you can read the letters and see, “Wow! That was going on?”

Pépé Leputois wasn’t sure about moving to Austin with us. But finally he agreed. I was living with Angelo by then, so I told him that he could have my car. I was still trying to take care of him in whatever way he would let me. But after San Francisco, Pépé Leputois wouldn’t interact with me. I’d have to coax him to even talk to me. He moved to Austin, but he was really doing his own thing and it was never the same between us. It was heart-wrenching because he’d come over to the house once a week to cook dinner for Angelo. And when he came over, he’d sit between my legs to watch TV and I’d rub his shoulders. (Until Angelo said that no one was to massage anyone except for whoever was doing his feet.) Whatever issue Pépé Leputois had, he couldn’t deal with it. And he couldn’t talk to me about it.

Pépé Leputois ended up leaving the Buddha Field. And then, years later, he called Angelo to let him know he was dying. Just to let him know. Angelo invited him to come back to Austin and told him that we’d take care of him but he didn’t go for it. He wasn’t indignant or anything but he didn’t accept the invitation. He had just wanted to let Angelo know he was dying. Then Angelo… this is so hard to talk about… Sonata was already in L.A. so Angelo sent her to see him. And I really wanted to be there with Pépé Leputois, of course. But Angelo was using it as this big PR thing, “They all call me at the end. They may leave, but eventually they recognize that they need me.” So he sent Frolic. From what I understand, soon after Frolic arrived, Pépé Leputois slipped into a coma. But before he lost consciousness… he said, “Angelo kept me from my only love.” I was crushed. Because of course I thought that was me. To this day, I don’t really know though. I still feel a communication with him going on… on an energy level… and I can’t help but think that if he were alive today, that we could be together.

I can’t believe Angelo sent Frolic. And he calls back with reports like, “Oh, his d.ck is so hairy.” I just felt like, “Get that trash-bag out of there.” That was Angelo’s big liaison there. I think he was only able to have one conversation with Pépé Leputois before the coma. One of Pépé Leputois’ close friends was there also. He said that Pépé Leputois talked about me and kept my picture with him. That’s another thing that killed me. Frolic came back with all this stuff. Suddenly, all his little things are coming back and this person gets something and that person gets something… it just felt so off. The whole thing.

Pépé Leputois died of AIDS. After he left the Buddha Field, he got really self destructive. He couldn’t deal with the fact that he had HIV. And he was always running. He had had a bad relationship with his father. And it was hard for him to let anyone in. His way to deal with things… crystal meth, dancing and sex. Drugs really tax the body and if you’re HIV positive and not on the inhibitors, they’re a death wish. He didn’t overdose. He just let himself die.

There’s certain things I can’t really let myself get in touch with. I probably need to allow myself a real breakdown at some point… but right now, I just can’t afford it. At the same time, it’s all perfect too. There’s no fairy-tale ending. You give it your best shot and it is what it is. It’s great if you get a do-over in life. But if you don’t… you have to be ready to go with it and just give it your best shot.

Ironically, history did sort of repeat itself with me and Odysseus. Odysseus joined the group in Austin. At that time, it was routine for me to read people’s case histories from their first cleansing. I was involved in almost everyone’s drama behind the scenes… more than they know. Everything that they brought to Angelo… from health to jobs to relationships… I was usually brought into it to help -- so I had to be familiar with all of it. That was the role I was playing. And that was actually one of the things that helped me… being able to help people behind the scenes. Anyway, I read Odysseus’ case history and it was horrific. He was just coming out of a relationship and was like a lost little lamb. So we started hanging out together. So much like Pépé Leputois.

But when Angelo did the mind f.ck with me and Pépé Leputois, that was basically because he thought I was choosing Pépé Leputois over him. But by the time Odysseus came along… I don’t know which guy he was with by now, but he didn’t play the same game with Odysseus as he did with Pépé Leputois. But my time was still an issue. With Pépé Leputois and Odysseus both. Neither of them could take me not being able to be there for them. I had no real free time. Still. I still had ballet, gym, massages, drive Angelo around…and I didn’t miss any of that.. the only time I could see him was quickly during cleansings.. or here and there in stolen moments.

It’s hard for me to talk about this stuff. I really can’t get into as much as I’d like to… but I can’t emotionally go there yet. But when Odysseus was really sick and thought he was dying.. Angelo wouldn’t let me go to be with him either. He sent everybody but me. I could only go over there for small little times here and there. But I was protecting him and taking care of him as much as I could from afar…organizing everything and making sure he was as cared for as possible. But emotionally… understandably… he wanted me there.

With both of these relationships, I don’t think they knew how THERE I was for them. I was totally devoted… I wasn’t there physically, but I was THERE..in every other way. They were at the top of my list of what mattered to me. But both ended up not being able to take that I was so unavailable. And I don’t blame them.