Justice: 11. Off to Cancun

So off we went to Mexico. Cancun. Angelo was loving it. Well, not right off. First, we were in some nasty hotel. Which would have been torture. And then his chair is confiscated and it was a mess. But then we get into a high rise right off the beach. And he loved it.

I was just numb at this point. Hopeless. One day I was doing the dishes with NoOne and I said, “I’m outta here.” Everyone acted like I hadn’t said anything. [silent pause] So I just kept drying the dishes.

I remember Ryker calling to say that my mom was calling there and what should we tell her? And I couldn’t call her. My brother was dying but when I brought it up to Angelo, he said something inappropriate and cold, like, “Isn’t he dead yet?” There was no arguing with him. He was just a pig. But then maybe two days later, he took me on a cleansing thing where I met my brother and gave him love and it did make me feel a little more peaceful. I had talked to my brother before we left Austin and he was at that stage of dying where he was really angry. And I did get to call him again about two days before he died. I got to call him from Cancun. And by that time he had found some peace with it. My parents had already been there and left. But that was it. The death of my brother.

I know it’s hard to understand… look at it this way.. with the Charles Manson-types, you think… in this guy’s own twisted way, he loves you more than your family. And with my family, I never felt they loved me. I could have gone to them as this wounded animal, but I knew they had no answers. They couldn’t pick up the pieces of my shattered soul. I couldn’t lean on them. And still, this guy is telling you, “You stick with my program… this is the dark part but it’ll all pass away” and that was the rhythm of what went on. You go through this hell of a life, but you’re waiting; because you know there is going to be some freedom coming. The unfortunate thing is that you start using that in a way that it’s not supposed to be used. In fact, you are supposed to live and you are supposed to know joy. And it’s not all about facing the dark parts so you can feel this freedom from darkness. It needs to have a wider spectrum than that. But from Angelo’s teachings, that’s where I went. Into this monotone thing and it got me into trouble. “Suffering brings this inner depth, that gives me peace and power and connection, and it’s OK that I’m sacrificing everything else for that.” But it wasn’t. And there was always my connection to God. I always had such low self esteem about everything but that. It was the one place that was rock solid for me. So in a way it was easier to put everything else on hold and say, “I’m doing my spiritual work now and that other stuff doesn’t matter. We’re beings not egos.” But it was a real one trick pony. That perspective only went so far.

Luckily I was around a lot of beautiful people: Lazzari, Trinity… they were very inspirational to me. Maybe I resonated with their simple approach to God. Not interested in playing games. I mean, seriously, I saw things that not many people would ever see as far as surrender, beauty and going beyond yourself. One of the other reasons I was around, was because of the amazing things I saw in some of the people around me. So many. Mostly in the midst of total verbal or physical abuse. How people were able to find their center and stay strong. Unwaivering. And how much you can give physically in those times when you don’t think you have anything else to give… whether it’s going without sleep, or holding body positions (for whatever reasons)… It was really humbling. I mean, Trinity reading Angelo and his boy to sleep at night -- when her eyesight was practically gone.. in dim to no light (because the light would disturb them). Reading when she was practically blind. Staying up all night. Unbelievable, really. Superhuman stuff. And before she was reading to them, she had to listen to them making out in the bathroom – knowing that she’s in the room – and then Angelo comes out and is like, “Give your brother Shen, he’s feeling a little…” whatever. Basically, being a slave. And how anybody would allow that to go on… I was like that too. But you know, it gives you such… I loved it in a way. It brings out the absolute best in you. It was like being in boot camp that brought out the best in me. So thank you.

I was one of those people that “ran at the shadow of a whip.” We were told not to talk the parents, I didn’t talk to my parents. Sometimes I might use my own intuition to manipulate my interpretation of his guidance just enough that I could follow it… because in the real world it just couldn’t have happened exactly the way he was asking me to do it… but yeah, for the most part, I followed guidance without question.

Yes, he concocted the whole “special powers” thing a lot. The biggest example of that to me, was when Prazada’s son was hit by a car in LA while he was crossing a crosswalk on a skateboard. Prazada was a wreck, of course, because her son was blind in the hospital and they didn’t know if he would ever see again. And Angelo was on the adjustment table and he went into a kind of convulsion. Martina and Spiccoli were there and when I made a move to go hold him down or calm him, they held me back. I guess they had seen him do something like that before. Or maybe not. Sometimes people would convulse after receiving shakti and you just knew to leave them alone and let them do what they were doing. Afterward Angelo said he had just healed Prazada’s son. (His eyesight did come back but not right after Angelo’s “show.”) I think in a lot of those circumstances, he might not even have known he was doing a role. But there were no special powers when it came to that. He’s a very focussed person and is very sensitive and intuitive when he wants to be. But what was going on with all that? I don’t know. Who cares really? It’s none of my business. But for me… I honestly feel I’m very sensitive… and I don’t think in the hierarchy of things Angelo is anything stellar in what he has to offer, you know? There were often things like that.. but from getting to watch him operate first-hand… to me… it was all bullshit. It was a dog and pony show. And I don’t think HE even knew where the truth ended and the lies began. He was so lost in that role. At least, that’s the way I choose to think about it right now. That it wasn’t a deliberate thing… that he really doesn’t even know what’s up and what’s down anymore. But he’s got huge nerve… he really went out on a limb with telling people not to get western medical care. Like when Dharma was bleeding or Spiccoli and you had gallstones. There were certain times when I thought, “God, he’s got some balls and he better know what he’s doing.” But it all worked out. In some weird way, it worked out. And each time, it would make you think, “Well, OK, maybe he knows what he’s doing.” Which I guess is why he did it.

At this point, I’m not afraid of him anymore. I do recognize that there is something in me that is still very angry. Right now I don’t know how I’d react if he were in front of me. He played his game with me. I came to him for help with my f.cked up life and f.cked up issues… and he just threw gasoline on them. Ultimately, was I asking for it? All of this? Maybe. But he still has to answer for his part.

Angelo never followed the guidelines he set up for others. I actually asked him about it in the beginning. He basically said…and I’m paraphrasing here… that he’s the master and whatever he does is high and that I should just do what he told me because that’s what I needed to do. But he said he was following a higher guide. That the guidelines he gives are for you people halfway down the mountain but where he was (at the top) they didn’t have any meaning.

Unfortunately, I did pressure people to follow his guidance. More so at the beginning. Maybe it was coming from, “Don’t make daddy mad, don’t fall out of line, just play along.” But, as I caught on, I always gave people the option to follow their own thing, or to listen to themselves more. Luckily that’s another reason I could stay around because I could do that. It was just a little freedom I was allowed if I kept it very close to my chest. I could live the life I was living and talk to people in the way I did because I was still putting up with whatever he did. Even if I had to modify it a little so I could feel clean with it. For instance, every time I called people in for cleansing, I always asked, “Can you come? Can you make it? Can you pay?” I knew it wasn’t much. To make people think they had a choice. But I did it anyway.