Justice: 13. Do One Thing & Do It Well
My typical week was routine. Like clockwork unless some little drama would break out. It was all about Angelo. Whatever worked for him. The dance class, the outings, the cleansing, the breakfast, the dinner, the workouts, the massage, the bodywork… just routine. Now, when I say routine, bear in mind that routine for him was not like a normal routine. For instance, most people clean their bathrooms as part of a routine. Angelo’s bathroom had to be cleaned every day. Every morning I’d have to go in with Simple Green and a sponge and clean the shit off the walls. And scrape it off the pillow. (He used a pillow behind his back for support. But he wouldn’t actually sit down because he was afraid it would throw his back out, so it went all over.) No exaggeration. I’m not sure what the deal was. Maybe his bowels are screwed up because of his craziness. I think it was emotional. But he would blame it on the different foods that people made for him. I remember he did that once with Pépé Leputois. Angelo was in the bathroom brushing his teeth and when he farted, he accidentally shit. So he yelled at Pépé Leputois and blamed it on the dinner he had made for him and made him go clean it up. Even on that level, his “shit” was always somebody else’s fault. But that’s the way it was. So when I say things were routine, it didn’t mean they were ordinary. Just routine. And I had always liked routine. But the bad part of this existence was that I was so suppressed. As a human being, I was living like a monk in a cave and it’s just not a natural way to live. Living 24/7 around someone, not having any work or income, not having any kind of health provision in case something happened. But one after another, the weeks just peeled away. And the years peeled away. It fed a certain part of me but you know how that is. Whatever was good in it got stagnate. Rancid. I did it and did it and did it until it was just toxic. Not healthy. And in his mind, he would have had that go on indefinitely because all his needs were being met. You know? And I realized I was going to die one day and I’d have to answer for what I did with my life. And that was the part that gave me the courage to make a change. I cannot be that person that’s dying and hasn’t done what they could to live as fully as possible. And what Angelo was offering… he had no more to give.. .he had no more tricks up his sleeve… that was it. The people two hills over might have been able to do it... but the life and role he had set for me – he would say I designed it that way myself and I would have to agree… but it was only because I was weak and didn’t know how to choose something else… to get out of the rut where I’m living.. the stagnant pool. If Angelo has that “all-seeing eye” of the Master – being able to see what an individual needs to become a healthy human being and come into yourself – he would have had to see that I was in trouble. I was missing some crucial elements that he, AS MY TEACHER, was supposed to supply. Because I was surrendering completely to him and this life. I didn’t have any other choices. I had no other outlets.
I do feel that I was special to Angelo. Because he would say it. And I think I did have a little power over him emotionally.. and probably do to this day. I’m a notch in his belt that has a little zing. My actions were probably motivated by both love and fear… mostly fear… and then I’d like to say love.. but not for him… you know… just love.
I tried to change things.. to change him. With the silent treatment.. with indirect innuendos and things like that.. and his response to that kind of thing would be to bring in the Yes men and make me look like a disrespectful ogre. Because there was always some “fresh meat.” Someone new that thought they could please him, make the Buddha Field work better and all that stuff. They would just elbow their way in. That’s just it… everybody is always thinking it’s going to be different. But it never is. The people with him now say they are calling him on his stuff now. So what? Everybody called him on his stuff. There’s nothing you can tell him that he hasn’t already been told. He doesn’t care. All I can tell you is that for myself.. yeah, there were certain times where something I said to him (in private) would make an impact… in fact he even said to me once, “You know, you’re good for me.” And I thought he meant just as a little check for himself. But he never expanded on it. And every once in a while, he might be a little milder in his behavior. But if you notice, he is milder for a while, but then he goes right back into his thing. He is confused. He knows he has to hang on to his connection sometimes when things are going crazy. In those time when he has worked up these dramas so intensely. It gets to him. I don’t think he realizes that he’s the big manifestor of the problem. But the fact that he tries to do something using his instincts and it turns out so convoluted. Yeah, it drives him a little nutty. And he’ll spend time in his room, on his own and try to get his shit together. And there are times when you really do feel a good energy in the house. And he does try to rein it in and be open to whatever God wants instead of seeing his own agenda as God’s. That’s just my take on it. But every once in a while, you see a glimmer of humility. At least, you hope that. If you’re thinking that you’re talking to him and he’s listening… you’re not saying anything new. Many people have thought that. And I can’t say what it’s like now… I’m not there. But I can say that it sounds very familiar.
I think the other people in the group brought out the best in me. I found ways to share on Thursdays that I could feel really clean about… not just sharing his propaganda. Dance classes were over for me by that point so I didn’t really interact with anybody. I was only really there in the mornings. I was quiet, kept to myself, did my thing and left. I would talk to Tiger and a few people in the house… but it just got too zombie and weird there with him doing his Tai Chi in the back yard. I just had no business out there. Everybody was such zombies by that point. There was just not any connecting for me with most of them.
I found many moments in class inspiring. Where somebody would be really brave and just really want to get to the bottom of something and not care how it looked. I loved that. Class was full of jewels… really beautiful stuff. After I left I was wanting to start a class… but of course, they want credentials if you’re going to do that… I thought class was magical. Just spontaneous connecting with people… even with people that I may not have wanted to hang out with, we saw each other at such vulnerable moments and we knew how much it took for certain people to do certain things. That was something that was really beautiful to be a part of.
Prior to when I left, I only considered leaving that one time in
When I saw others leaving the group, I was supportive of that. Not judgmental. I know we were supposed to think they were doomed… turning their back on their destiny… doing a downward spiral on a self-destructive path. But I felt sorry for them usually because usually, by the time they left, they had been wrung through the ringer so heavily. They were usually mentally confused when they left. That’s why when I left, I didn’t give him any leash. There was no debate or anything. I just left. Because I had seen that the minute you start talking to him, he has his prongs in you. The minute you think you need to talk to him, you’re in trouble. If you think you need to leave, the best thing to do is just to leave. Because even if it gets to the point after 3 months of him mind-f.cking you, that he gives you his “blessing” to leave.. you’ve already been f.cked. So the best thing you can do is to be sure of yourself and trust it. Because if you’re thinking of leaving, you’re ready. I was ready long before. I needed that catalyst. I see now I would have been fine if I’d left a lot earlier.
I wasn’t brainwashed to the point that I couldn’t come up with my own opinons about things. I knew we weren’t supposed to, but I felt I could… in private. I’m thankful I did because if I was THAT brainwashed I would have really been gone. But do I think we were supposed to? No. He would fight you tooth and nail. You could never leave the room thinking that you won with him if you tried to come with your point of view that was different from his. If he was challenged in his thinking. He just wouldn’t let it drop. He would keep talking until you couldn’t take it anymore and you just agree with whatever he said. That was his weirdness.
