5. Looking Back With New Eyes
When I look back at my life in the BF I have mixed feelings. My experience with Angelo never seemed menacing and victimizing as the description of a narcissist would appear. He was always sweet and loving to me, always. Of course, I found out later that behind my back he would demonize me for questioning him, (which I did often towards the end), but on the surface my relationship with him seemed very deep. I trusted him with my life, my psyche, and my soul. I didn’t realize what was underneath, I sensed it, but I over road it. I guess that’s why we all didn’t break this up sooner. He was a master alright, a master at controlling our perceptions.
But he is a HYNOTHERAPIST by trade. Hello?
I remember the day he chose to change the name “therapy” to “cleansing”, (its full name was “karma cleansing”). He was aware of the legal repercussions as a therapist but a spiritual practice draws a much fuzzier line, from a legal standpoint, you don’t have to be licensed and you can pretty much do as you please as long as it is within the confines of the spiritual discipline.
For those of you who are not aware, we did consider incorporating once. And we did own a 501C3. We even created a name for our group, mission statement, bylaws (karma cleansing was a part of them), code of conduct, and disclaimer contracts. But he decided to scratch that idea and go deeper under cover instead. That’s when he changed his name as often as he changed his socks. He stopped driving all together, so he didn’t need a drivers license, by the way, when I first knew him, he used to drive his own car…without a special built in chair. And for all intents and purposes he just disappeared off the radar. The last secret code name I heard was puff (you know the magic dragon). Why doesn’t that surprise me? I’m telling you Fellini is about to resurrect for this guy.
They say that the narcissist is fully aware of what they are doing but I still have a hard time believing that about Angelo. I do believe he is caught up in his own delusions and we inadvertently helped him build those every step of the way.
On the one hand I truly love Angelo. There are aspects of him that I just can’t help but love. The people in my community were all very special to me and for the most part we all shared one common denominator, everyone was looking to serve something Higher. In essence we were all seeking the state of nirvana.
In hindsight, I think there was something very secure and appealing about having a life that was simple and orchestrated for us. A set of rules and someone we could trust to guide us through life.
I loved my BF and consider them all my family and community. I had served them for half of my adult life and they had served me. On the other hand I wasted a lot of time with this narcissist when my gut was telling me to leave long before I did.
I stayed because I thought I had the security of community; I stayed because I believed that this community life afforded me a place to practice a deep spiritual discipline with like minded individuals. I stayed because I truly desired union with God and I was hoping that all of these shenanigans would some how lead me to that final destination. If dropping my ego was the path, he certainly had the vehicle. I stayed because I built bonds and relationships that I thought if I left would break forever; and if it wasn’t for all of us exiting at once that would have been the case. I stayed because I wanted to believe that things would change. I stayed because I believed that even if it was really weird at times there was nothing better “out there”.
We definitely had our wonderful moments. We danced, and sang and laughed and sat in silence communing with our Divine Source for long blissful hours. We were all delightfully talented and creative and we pulled together and built and produced some marvelous things. And Angelo was the glue that held us together. I have never met any people quite like the BF. We all seem to have a quality about us that was definitely different. Our collective energy was dynamic and rare. We attracted one another out of this time and space to experience something that we collectively chose to create.
Those were the days my friends, weird and wondrous, we thought they’d never end!
I have discovered many things since I left.
1) There is life after the BF.
2) My world is teaming with beautiful and profound teachers and teachings.
3) I see that my concepts of God and spirituality were in fact confused at best in some cases down-right fallacious.
4) I have a beautiful, exciting, full life ahead of me, with people and adventures that surpass my wildest dreams.
5) I am more aware of my connection to my Divine Source than I ever have been in my entire life up to now.
6) Life is a mystery school if you are awake to it. God is happy with saboo he is playing with me.
7) The relationships that were meant to be will always be.
8) It’s about the adventure not the goal!
9) The notion that we must strive to be someone greater than ourselves, more holy, more illumined, more perfect is erroneous thinking.
10) The old paradigm of master/disciple relationship is dead and dying. The last vestiges of an immature society that needs a paternal, intermediary between you and your God-self is collapsing and a new consciousness is arising from the ashes. Those who choose to stay behind will continue to create their purgatory until they either free themselves from their bondage or perish from this earthly life and discover it’s all a great cosmic game. You are the player and the played.
