Ryker: 7. Running from CAN

Angelo slowly started calling himself “The Master.” So incrementally slowly. And my embarrassment began to turn into disgust. But there was … I still had a reverence for what I thought was the whole point of this thing. And so I let so much stuff slide because I didn’t feel it was my place. I wanted to be a disciple. Someone who listened, who was alert, who actively practiced these things instead of just saying them. I wanted to be an example for people. I felt so good in being that. I loved it. I loved being able to express that. Because I could see people’s lives being really affected by it. I loved that people could trust me. But I was there mostly for me if I have to be honest about it. I felt great. I went through a few periods when a lot of people were being very reverent to me and I saw the seduction in that… like, “I must be somewhere. I must have reached a certain level.” That lasted for a couple of years. And then he started to take things away from me. And I thought he was being wise and protecting me. And now in hindsight I see that he had started to get very scared that I was going to take over. Because so many people related to me and used me as an example when they’d go see him for therapy. And they’d say “Ryker said this” and Angelo would say, “I told him that. I taught him that.”

I had all types of different relationships in the bf. It was generally understood and agreed-upon that I was the second-in-charge. And I had my posse. I also had people who were indifferent to me. I also had people that really didn’t like me. And there were some people I really didn’t like either. At all. But I felt like it was my job to be there to share satsang with people whenever they came to me. Day or night. I felt like that was my job.

Eventually the group left West Hollywood. Why? My understanding was that a girl in the group, Yasminia, that worked with a man named, Kendrick. He was this 50-something, recovering alcoholic, unattractive. motel-living person who fell in love with her. It seems he was writing a book and she was trying to be his assistant and he fell in love with her. The story I got (that I was acting on) was that Yasminia, instead of saying she didn’t like him or wasn’t attracted to him, told him, “My teacher won’t let me be with you because he’s against relationships.” And Kendrick in turn became furious with Angelo and went to the Cult Awareness Network (C.A.N.) -- which was a powerful little organization at that time. And Kendrick started working with them to try and bring us down. Needless to say, this amp’d up the paranoia. And it permeated the whole Buddha Field. The whole system. We went from inviting everyone thru our doors – at one point, I even went on a radio show and sang songs and gave out our address. We had ads in the L.A. Weekly, we had cards we’d give out and posters, all saying “Come to our house! Come to this Satsang!” Then suddenly everything became secretive. And Angelo split town. Right at this time, when Angelo split… my mother went into the hospital. My parents had moved to L.A. while I lived there because they knew I was involved in this group and I invited them to come. We were inviting everyone to come… why shouldn’t my parents come? So they moved to L.A. They came to Satsang, they worked with my company. Everyone knew them and they were part of our little community. But, of course, my mother going into the hospital became another “test.”

I remember Angelo turning it into a test immediately. He wanted me to drive his bed up to a house in San Francisco -- where he was staying -- even though my mother was in the hospital. To show I could let go of that idea that she was my mother. And I did. I think I went there twice during her 30-day stay in the hospital. And whenever I was there, I’d get back to L.A. really quick and go right back to the hospital. My mother died within 30 days of entering the hospital.

But that was why Angelo left town… because C.A.N. was supposedly after him. Or at least that was the info that I was given.