Ryker: 6. Where Did My Friend Go?

Before that time, Angelo had talked to me… he was my friend. He would “take my counsel” so to speak. When Malario came into the picture, business-wise, Angelo didn’t want to hear from me whatsoever. And that never reversed, even when it became clear that I had been right. That was when I stopped being one of those people that spent time very close to him physically. Then. By his choice. And I was very very hurt that he no longer trusted me. And I felt that something fishy was going on, but I wasn’t allowed to say anything -- because at that time he was definitely being regarded as a master by then. He had become a figurehead that was very involved in at least 50 or 60 lives. Definitely the leader at that point.

Even so, the focus of the group was still meditation. That had certainly remained my focus. And by this time I was sharing more. I was sharing every Sunday and now every once in a while he didn’t feel like coming to the Thursday meetings, so I’d fill in for him then too. Soon, it turned into every other Thursday. He’d do one and I’d do the next one. And eventually it turned into me doing every Thursday and Sunday with Angelo coming every once in a while.

Also by this time, I was choosing which guidance to follow. Because we weren’t supposed to have relationships and I always had relationships. I was strict with my food but I definitely was choosing. For the guidance that I was following, I had judgments on other people if they weren’t following that guidance. Back in Florida, I was really trying to do everything Angelo said. But I had started seeing so many discrepancies by this time and I began to choose.

I never once felt what anyone calls Shakti. Never. Not even once. Like a transference of energy? I did experience things in my own mediation. Light. Color. Sound. And I didn’t forget that’s what this was all about. I didn’t take that journey with Angelo where he started to pretend to have these powers and things. I remember reading about Muktananda giving shakti, and suddenly Angelo decided he could do that. And I went along with it because I saw him… I saw his whole development from honestly being reluctant to do this… to play this role. Because I had to start the meetings. I saw his transformation into someone who gradually stepped more into the role. And I allowed him that “artistic license,” so to speak, to have “powers” – even if it was a pretense to help instill faith in jaded people. So they could be prepared to experience God for themselves. But Angelo kept taking more and more and more of it. The stories I’d hear over the years would get more elaborate. And they would change. He would tell stories in Florida and by the time we were in LA they would be completely different. Like the story about when he met Picasso and he drew on his shirt… which I’m certain never happened. Stories about him meeting his master… which I’m almost certain never happened. For a long time in LA he was really against lineage… I can only assume it was because he didn’t have a lineage. And then later on he became extremely into lineage. Whatever served him in the moment… became what was important to him.

I always thought the whole psychic pretense was very silly. I never believed it. I reconciled it because people were not coming there to see me. They were coming there to see him. And I had such a huge opportunity to open my mouth and share my own opinion every week. Twice a week. So, if there was something that he was saying that I thought was total BS, I could find the truth in it. Turn it around so that the layman could understand. It doesn’t really have to be psychic powers, just that you need to be open to more in yourself. I did that from very early on. This was never about that psychic power crap. I don’t know what other people got or what he told them at that time but it was absurd to me. Embarrassing actually. He embarrassed me a lot. Because he was so gay and so dramatic and he started to walk around with such a haughty air it was embarrassing to me. Because before he was my cool friend -- the teacher who was exposing people to this irreverent religiousness -- which was funny and cool and hip. You could be spiritual and still say “F.ck you.” There was something new about it and exciting. Eventually he started getting into that haughtiness and it was just embarrassing to me.

I knew Angelo had a different persona when he wasn’t “playing that role.” I know he used to yell and scream and freak out in his apartment when only one or two people were around, and then he’d come out and be all blissful and whatever and I was like, “Whatever.” But I got it. He was a “public figure” and he had to have a way to let out his own stuff. Because I always saw him as a person -- like anybody else working on themselves. Having to vent their frustration. Having to deal with all these people must be really frustrating so you’ve got to let it out with your friends. So I thought he had a few people that he feels close to -- which I was not one of by this time. I had already been ousted from the inner circle even though I had all these other responsiblities — I thought “OK, he just needs to let off some steam” and that was OK because I didn’t see him as needing to be that master thing … at all. I had my meditation. I had what I came for. I remained involved with the group, mainly, to invite other people to this experience. I felt like Angelo had a hard job and I was trying to help.