Denomio: 16. Angelo & Mastery

Angelo wasn’t all bad. He was bright and funny and could be very caring and compassionate, but he was also completely preoccupied with his ideas about how things should be. If only the world would do as he said, then everything would be OK. That was the big thing with him. I think he really believed that all the things that were going wrong were because people weren’t in tune with what he wanted. And if people would just do what he wanted in the way that he told them to do it, then all would be well. As a result, he’d end up really feeling anxious and overwhelmed. Like he would sometimes feel overwhelmed by all of the demands on him but he, in fact, created it. He wanted to be in control of all the details of everything but then he would feel exasperated when someone brought something to him. I really confronted him on that once. I had a car that I wanted to sell to someone that had just wrecked her car and I brought it up during a bodywork session. I just said, “I need to talk to you about this.” And he pouted and made this big sigh. And looked at me like I was imposing on him. And I told him, “I really resent that I’m being made to feel like I’m imposing this on you when I’m perfectly capable of making a rational financial decision on my own… and the only reason I’m bringing it up to you is because you want me to. And now you’re complaining about it.” That happened often. Regularly. He would feel put-upon, but it was all through his own manifestation.

There are certain people that I don’t really like or care for, but I don’t really feel like I have anything to apologize to them about. I can’t think of any person in the group that I owe amends to. I had some regrets about my mother and about lying to her and stuff. But I feel like over the course of time, I resolved all of that. By the time she died, we were on good terms and there weren’t any lingering wishes that I had done things differently. Perhaps 8 or 10 years ago, it would have been a different story. But by the end, I was clear with everybody. When I was in Hawaii, I’d find myself a few times in a mental argument with Angelo or Simone. You know how you leave the present moment and start arguing with this other person (that isn’t really there) to justify what you’re doing? I’d have to stop myself from doing that. That’s not being in the moment. Having this imaginary conversation with this imaginary person off in the future. So right after I left, there was that desire to justify myself to people that were still in the group. But that was because of all those years of indoctrination. At this point though, I feel pretty clear about what I’m doing. I don’t have those internal feelings that I have to defend myself against the ideas of those still in the group. It’s funny that for years it was the people that were leaving that were “deluded” but now that most of the group has left, there is a shift in perception so that the ones that are still with him are “deluded.” So it’s good to be on the right side again.

What is a master? I think there are people who have a deeper, more blissful experience… a more harmonious relationship to the universe than others. And that those people can help bring others along into that understanding. But it’s not particularly miraculous. Just like if you’re around an angry person, chances are you’re going to get angry. Or if you’re around someone that’s laughing all the time. Energetics rub off on each other. So if you’re around someone that’s more blissful, then that’s going to be provoked in you. But that doesn’t mean they are perfect. And I really think it’s a foolish idea to think there is an end to the journey. I no longer believe in enlightenment – that one day you’ll get to the end of the ride and you’ll be free of the wheel of karma and in the circle of life, death will stop. That there is this end, this destination point, where you just get to hang out for all eternity. In heaven. Heaven’s a bad idea. There is no beginning and no end to the ride. There is always more light, more joy. And I don’t think there is an end to it.

I think Angelo did experience some spiritual planes that I probably still haven’t reached or experienced. And there were times he was able to provoke that or be the excuse to bring it out in individuals. But his failing, was that he turned himself into that. He didn’t encourage others to be true to their own experience and what they felt/thought, or their own knowing-ness. Instead, he thought it much more important that people followed what he thought. A true master would want people to come to their own experience and not stop at his finger. Angelo used to tell that story, but he didn’t live it. The story of the Buddha talking to a disciple and pointing at the moon. The disciple said, “It’s your finger.” And the Buddha said, “No, it’s the moon.” Disciples can easily make that mistake. That it’s about the finger and not the moon. And, rather than leading people to their own experience, Angelo let them think it was his finger. “It’s about where I’M pointing and what I’M saying… and if you aren’t doing this, then you’re in delusion.”

For me, it comes down to a question of integrity. I love that Bob Dillon line, “You don’t need a weatherman to tell you which way the wind blows.” We might be fooled at first, but if you’re around long enough and have your eyes open, and what you’re really reaching for is integrity within yourself, then you can sense that with someone else. Ultimately, you don’t know what’s going on inside someone else’s head. I only have my perception of it. And that can be a childish defense, “How dare you judge me? You don’t know what my experience is.” But it’s also true. You don’t know that about a bum on the street either. How do you know that bum isn’t enlightened? I don’t know that. So how can I know it about Angelo?