Denomio: 4. Life in the Inner Circle
During this period, I started coming into the “inner circle.” In doing daily service with Angelo, you get to see things – as far as him not doing things he guided others to do. I would see him not connecting before eating. His food would be put in front of him and he’d immediately start eating rather than sitting for a moment and connecting to meditation. I remember the first time I was ever really like, “Whoa, what the f.ck?” I was in his house (I had just started doing direct service for him) and they changed the position of the couches so Angelo walked by and bumped one of the corners of the couch and immediately started screaming at people. That they needed to bring the old couches back. That he couldn’t be bumped like this... were they trying to kill him? And I remember sitting there thinking, “You're enlightened... couldn't you just walk around the couch? And if you do get bumped... if you're enlightened... so what???” So that was one of the first times that I thought “That really doesn't seem like the actions of an enlightened being to me.” That he’s screaming at people for changing the couches. There weren't a whole lot of things that I thought were incongruous. There WERE things that I noticed as being odd but I just thought, “Well, he’s the master and he doesn’t need to do that.” That’s the rap. That he’s always in meditation so he doesn’t need to sit and formally connect. Later on I saw things that I thought were just not in integrity… it didn’t necessarily have to do with contradicting his own guidance. There’s a great Bob Dylan song that says “you don't need a weatherman to tell you which way the wind blows.” I’d see things and that just didn’t feel right to me -- and I don't need anybody to tell me what's right and wrong – some things just don’t seem in integrity. Toward the end of my time in the group I started to question more.... and started to point out the things didn't seem right.
I always resisted the concept of “doing it right.” And I always chaffed when things seemed hypocritical. A concrete example… not about Angelo... but another person in the inner circle. At one point, Angelo was receiving some bodywork that he liked and he wanted me and this other person to go get some training on it. I went first and it was a LOT of information. So when I got back, I was telling this other disciple that it was a lot of information and that he might, after 5 or 6 hours, have a cup of green tea to stimulate his brain so he could retain that last little bit of info. It’s not like I did a lot of caffeine. But this disciple looks at me and says, “You should never put anything into your body that the master wouldn't put into his body.” It was a reprimand from an older brother disciple and I just looked at him and was like, “All right... whatever.” I later found out that he was drinking a half a pot of coffee every day. That was the sort of thing that drove me nuts because I always tried to “express it like I experienced it.” And the idea that you just put on this show for people… it was one thing to hide things, it’s another to outright lie about it. Like sometimes, when there were new disciples around -- if I felt like I wasn't doing something that was in integrity then I might try to shield them from seeing it… or run away from them so they wouldn’t see me doing it… but I would never lie about it. I would never say “Oh no, that's a horrible thing to do... I’d never do that.” That hypocrisy was always something that really stuck in my craw.
There was guidance about which food we could eat and what movies we should watch.. but sometimes you wouldn't know what was expected or what was going to bring ridicule. Like I noticed that I watched a lot of TV, so one day I was in the room with Angelo and he asked what I had done the previous night and I told him that I read a book. I was feeling really good about having NOT watched TV and having read this book my mother sent me (“Angela’s Ashes” – a Pulitzer Prize winning book) And Angelo asked what it was about and then just ridiculed me for reading it… asking why I wanted to fill my head with that and why wasn’t I reading about Ramakrishna or Yogananda (the only things that were worthy) So there were times you didn't know what was expected or what was going to bring ridicule and then there were other times where you just got the feel for the group social consciousness of “This is how we are, this is what we do and these are the acceptable attitudes or concepts and these are not.” It was just apparent if you had any sort of social consciousness or awareness of group dynamics. It wasn’t really hard to see which way it was to fit in. But I personally always chaffed at that.
I remember one time, Guinevere (my girlfriend for the first 7 years in the Buddha Field) and I were in class, and somebody said, “Oh, I want to be in a relationship but I don't feel like I can.” Angelo immediately started ridiculing the idea of relationships and he asked if there was anybody in the room that liked being in a “relationship” and no one raised their hand. And I looked over at Guinevere and she looked at me and we both raised our hands... because we were in a relationship... if we didn't like being in a relationship we wouldn't be in one. It just seemed… it was a weird dynamic. I knew I was opening myself up for social ridicule from the group and that Angelo was about to rip us both... but I felt like, “You f.cking liars.” All the people in that room, all the people dating, and none of you like being in a relationship? Then why are you dating? And yes, Angelo ripped into us both and talked about how immature we were and how we were deluded and everything. But looking back, I’m glad I did it. Even though, I knew when I raised my hand that it would have consequences. That has been part of my discovery about the nature of my character. I don’t do well with being brow-beaten and I don't do well with trying to pretend that I'm something other than what I am. I guess I have enough of a sense of myself to say “No, this is what I believe.” It felt so shifty. There were times I would put up the fight because it felt too hypocritical not to, and other times when I would just toe the party line and other times when you just accepted what the party line was. It was all three.
Looking back... there were things I was required to participate in that I didn't really like doing... like lying to my parents on a regular basis about where I was and what I was doing. And coming up with all these stories. I understood the concept of why it needed to be done – Simone explained it to me once. He explained that if someone was going along in their life and suddenly they realize that what they really want is God and they lose interest in their religion or their career or they no longer want to have babies and 3.2 kids… their parents get freaked out by that and want to call Cult Awareness and that creates all sorts of secondary problems for Angelo and the group. Rather than do all that, it was easier to just lie about everything and create these stories because, even if you didn’t think your parents would do that… you never knew. Because there were all these other people that had thought it would never happen to them, and it had. So go ahead and spin tales about where you are and what you’re doing and why they can’t visit. My mother finally came out and visited me when she realized that I was never going to invite her out. One year she just said, “I’m coming to