Ryker 13: Light and Shadows
The first thing I can say I was blown away by was Angelo’s intense interest in my life and in showing me parts of myself that were operating on an unconscious level. And it really opened my eyes to a lot of things that I was not aware of. Things that I was operating on at a mechanical level. Things that I thought I had no control over, whatsoever.. like, “Well that’s just me.” And it really made me realize there’s more to me than this. This is just like a role that I’ve cast myself in and it’s the first time I actually realized you could change your own consciousness. So I liked that. A lot. That was really beautiful. And I will keep that. Absolutely. That’s the foundation of looking at yourself to me.
What was I proud of? Well, especially at the end… in the last 5 years or so, I’m very proud of being a thorn in Angelo’s side. He did not want me to share truth the way that I was. I saw so much wrong with what was going on that my whole effort became sharing the more universal side of things and encouraging everyone to be an individual and not a sheep. Not just listening and following and doing the letter of the law. I’m very proud of that.
When anyone had a problem with Angelo, they would come to me. No matter how high up the food chain it got. So I routinely found myself standing up for my brothers and sisters in difficult situations with Angelo.
In retrospect, the red flags were the stories he would tell about his personal life. Early on, I saw they kept getting more grandiose. I knew he made some of them up and then he started believing them himself. I dismissed that in the beginning because the concept of “the end justifying the means” – meaning, what does it matter if he tells this little story so people can have a little more faith or encouragement? But it kept getting worse and worse and I just couldn’t accept it because the ends do NOT justify the means. And I saw that his stories now, (THAT HE MADE UP) had become true in his head. Seeing him manipulate things -- using tools like: using a flashlight when giving Shakti; or scented oil on his fingers to pretend he was giving off some kind of divine smell; pretending clairvoyance or omniscience -- using the same tricks over and over again. If he didn’t want you to do something, he’d say you’re going to be in a horrible train wreck or your plane was going to crash. Just really embarrassingly simplistic guilt manipulation techniques. Yes, I saw him do the oil myself and I was just embarrassed for him. I really felt like, by that time, I was in a different world. I was so embarrassed for him for so many years. I used to be amazed that Angelo thought we were so stupid that we didn’t know what he was doing. Then I realized that he was playing to a different audience. Like the republicans play to the dumb voters. They dumb everything down. And he was dumbing everything down to the lowest common denominators of a seeker. I had stopped relating to that so long ago. Very early on. And in the beginning… I just dismissed it thinking the general populace needs miracles… so OK. But after a while, Angelo started believing his own B.S. I just never related to that. Even in the beginning when he was doing it. I knew he was just doing it as a ploy. As a tool. I never believed it for one second. I’m sure I played the game to begin with… Angelo’s game of “I’m going to say these things and you’re going to pretend that you don’t know they’re bullshit.”
The retreats we went on were fun. A lot of fun. We went hiking every day. And we ate together. For a few of the retreats, for 3 or so… I stayed in Angelo’s house with him. For the other ones, I stayed in a house with someone who used to be close to him, another disciple, who was actually having a hard time with substance abuse. And I had to look out for that person. Because pretty much I think he was blackmailing Angelo, or something from their past made Angelo feel a duty or whatever. He was afraid to not include this person. I don’t know the full story, but it was my job to stay with this person so that whatever he did would be hidden. So I did that for two years on these retreats. But other than that they were a lot of fun. It was easy for me cause I could take my business with me and do it there. But a lot of people had to quit their jobs and make up all these stories about their aunts dying and all this stuff to try and go on these things. The direction was “If you can’t do that then you’re not sincere”… every step of the way. Until I left, my sincerity was called into question every day. I got really sick of that. But obviously not sick enough to leave.
