Ryker:12. The Aftermath
Would I do it all over again? At this point in my life… that’s an interesting question. Would I still want to meet him and participate in the Buddha Field? That’s a very hard question. It’s impossible for me to answer right now. Because right now, I’m struggling with deep un-knowing. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know what truth is. I’m going through a dark night of the soul and everything that I’m reading, and the people that are helping me through this are all saying, “This is completely natural. Necessary, vital and important.” But honestly, I may very well say “Yes, I would not change anything” But right now, I can’t honestly say that. I don’t know what else I would have done or if it would have been any better. I might have carried the seed of this with me and had to go through this at some point, I don’t know.
Since the group collapsed, I have gone through a very deep sense of grief. Which I’m still in. Grieving for everything. These people and the experience of being in this thing that was my family, my vocation, my passion, my spirituality, my place in the world. That’s one thing. And the other thing. I have to admit. I liked being important. On an ego level. I liked being important. You know? I liked people trusting me. I liked being able to be there for people. So I’m mourning a huge loss. And I didn’t know it. A loss of my identity and my family. I’ve known these people for 20-25 years. Day-in and day-out. Every day.
The most surprising part about all this, for me, is the fact that I’m so confused and disoriented. And the very thing I thought I was strongest in, I don’t trust anymore. That’s the most surprising thing. I really thought I’d just hit the ground running if something like this happened. But it really shows me that a lot of the conclusions I had come to were not ultimately real. I could never have seen that when I was wrapped up in my role in the group. The thing that surprises me now – honestly -- I realize how many answers I had. Completely false answers, but answers. But even false answers provided me with a framework that I could use to live and exist in the world. And right now I have no framework and no answers. I’m free wheeling. I’m going down the hill with my hands and feet in the air with no brakes. That’s the difference and the most surprising thing to me. It’s shocking and it’s terrifying. The answers I had -- I’m seeing it’s not important to have answers. In fact the ability to live without answers or conclusions is actually the only way (and best way) to live consciously. Which we were supposedly doing in the group.
From outside the group looking in, it was a total charismatic-leader cult by the end. Why didn’t I see that from the beginning? Because it didn’t start out like that. I helped form it. I participated in what I thought was a very very sincere enterprise. I was sincere anyway.
I was around to receive the email from Lute and it did impact me somewhat, but I thought half of it was lies -- because I had never heard half of it. I thought that Lute had heard some of it and had extrapolated and blown things out of proportion. But what I’ve come to understand now, as far as facts go, the letter is like 10% of what I know now has actually happened. So, the email didn’t affect me as much as the years of Angelo telling me that I was paranoid when I would confront him about sending people to my satsangs to spy, and keeping people that wanted to be there away, and doing all this shit. Because it made me feel like I was insane. Because he denied it. Every step of the way. But later, people have told me that he had them doing it.
I didn’t actually receive the Euripedes letter but I heard about it. I just thought he was crazy. I always felt too busy and bored to get involved with that kind of thing. I’d already been through years of that with Angelo and I didn’t feel like going through it again… going back and forth and being paranoid about it. I didn’t care. I was doing my other work. I didn’t care about Angelo’s paranoid worries about people saying these things. Because I thought, “If you’re really a master, just sit there and don’t defend yourself, don’t apologize.” That whole paranoid thing was ridiculous. I just heard what was in the letter and at the time I just thought Euripedes was crazy.
Anytime anyone came forward with something like this, we would hear stories about how they were in their mind and had decided to go back into the world. They were always painted as ‘dangerous’ because they had done something bad or f.cked something up and put us in danger. They were always demonized. Everyone who left was demonized. Period. And I accepted that. Not the demonization, but the story. The explanation of why they left. I didn’t think it was just a spin that Angelo made up. But I did know that if I spoke out, toward the end, that that would be it. I could push it but only so far. And I wanted to keep my meetings because I got to say what I wanted to say there.
On the healing spectrum, I’m still very sick. On a scale of 1-10, (1 being suicide tomorrow and 10 being cured)… if I had to say… I’d probably say… maybe a 3. Maybe.
I have no long-term goals from this point. Right now, I’m minimizing my whole life down to a very simple manageable thing. I’ve been left with a whole bunch of responsibility still… from everyone leaving. Rental houses where people lived were left empty suddenly, with me holding the mortgage payment. So many things. On top of dealing with all the emotions. I’m simplifying my life down to the most simple thing physically. And I’m just working on healing myself because I’m not well. I’m just not well.
