Ryker:11. The Last Year Together

In the last year, my experience of the group was pretty disgusting because I had become aware that Angelo was sending people to my satsang meetings to go back and report to him what I said. And then, the next time we’d have a meeting with him, he’s use that meeting to refute the very things I had said in my meeting. Increasingly, it became that. More and more. I would hear the exact things that I had said, only twisted around, and then he would refute or dismiss it. Even if I would say a typical well-known story, it would be twisted and turned so that I felt like he was trying to make it so I had no validity whatsoever. I mean, maybe he was scared I was going to try and take over the group or something (because so many people wanted to hear me share), but he kept chopping my validity down at every turn. How did I know he was sending people? It became obvious. First, in a community like this, no one can keep their mouth shut. It’s like a small mountain village and everyone talks about everyone no matter what you tell them. Everyone has someone that they tell and say “Don’t tell anyone I told you this” and then that person has a person they do the same thing to.. and and so on and so on. So everything gets around. So, I knew they were making lists of who went to which meetings. I know from some people directly -- telling me that they were told not to come to my satsang cause I was in my mind. I know that he would send certain people who… I knew what their loyalties were and they would sit there with this dull face on, completely not participating in the thing… (and I’d tell some pretty good jokes if I do say so myself) and they’d be sitting there with their dour puss. I would say something and then they would share and try to “fix” what I said (meaning turn it into “the master is so beautiful”) and it just got so disgusting. And then he kept getting worse. And worse. And worse. He kept letting me share because he’s like Machiavelli. “You keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” If he had told me not to share, he knows I would have started my own thing and at least half of the people would have left. I absolutely know that. For sure.

In the last year, I felt like I was constantly being attacked. I already went through a period where he tried to make me prove my sincerity over and over again. Years before. But after having proven myself time and time again, I was still being attacked. In the most insidious way. I would share… and when you share satsang you have to have an open heart and go there totally vulnerable… but each time I shared I knew they (the people Angelo sent) would take something that I said -- probably out of context – and report it back to him. And that would become the topic of his next sharing. It’s a non-Socratic format so no one has a chance to say anything back. Angelo would just do his own thing. Anybody that was came to my meeting could verify how anything I said was twisted around and re-presented as B.S. I know that a few people noticed it because they talked to me about it. But most people were just too afraid to speak up. But it was obvious. And it became more so.

The last few classes I went to, there were already people leaving. In twos, threes and fives. I saw it happening. Angelo’s incessant manipulation, lying,… everything had gotten to such a fever pitch. And you tell that he was desperately trying to control the situation. There was so much misinformation being planted around. The desperation was just in the air. You could feel it. And it started to get more and more awkward and ugly. I actually confronted him again in one of the last classes, saying “You’ve got to be our leader. You’ve got to be the one to stop being separate and I’ll follow that… but if you’re not going to do that… what are we doing here?” But it just kept getting more and more ugly. And then finally, in the last class we had, No-one (who didn’t know what had been going on with me) called me out. I had been shaking my head in disgust and disbelief at the things Angelo was saying and No-one confronted me, “How can you be so rude to the master? Blah, blah, blah” And Angelo asked me, “You have something to say?” And I said, “Yes, I do. I’m ashamed to be a part of something so dumb. It shames me. If things like this can be said and let stand, I’m embarrassed to be associated with anything so dumb.”

And so, what was a very poignant moment for me, was the very last meeting before Angelo left town. I think some event had happened, like a letter had been delivered or something had happened and I guess he had already decided to leave town because I was outside when he got there and, when he got out of the car, he looked at me and raised his arms like “Well, I guess that’s it.” And at this time he didn’t know that I wasn’t going to defend him to the death. I looked back at him, totally knowing, that this was really IT for me. And I put my hands up like, “Yep, I guess that’s it.” It was all communicated silently. That was the last time anyone got together with him in Austin. So I didn’t actually “officially” leave the group. I just got the point where I couldn’t defend him. It was the natural outcome. He has ruined himself by going down a really dark road where he took everything for himself instead of for God and it’s just the natural outcome of it. I wasn’t about to follow him into more because I was disgusted for years by his behavior and I was not going to go anywhere with him. That was it. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I knew that was it for me.

That was when Angelo left Austin. Allegations were brought forward and people were comparing stories and a lot of the pieces of the puzzle came together because now a lot of people were opening their mouths about the sexual abuse, and the manipulation, and the lying, and all the other things that were coming to light. And oddly enough, a lot of it I had no idea about. When it came out, for a few days I had a sense of satisfaction.. of like, “Yeah… I hate to say it but I was right.” Probably because I never got to hear that.

But I knew that a lot of people wanted me to be like a leader and pick up the flag… and whatever I said, I didn’t want my identity to be “the one that was against Angelo”. One thing I’ve learned through these years is that there’s a time to do something and there’s a time to do nothing. As much as it hurts, there’s a time when the best thing is to do nothing. And that’s what I felt needed to be done. For two weeks after Angelo left, I fielded calls -- day and night-- of upset people. At one point I thought I was having a heart attack – but in actuality, it was a literal anxiety attack. I had never experienced that before in my life. Chest pains. It was because of so much stress. Of caring so much about these people. Being distraught myself and thinking that I’m responsible for their emotions somehow and that I need to take care of them. That had always been my job. And as far as what my role was going to be… I had always imagined -- years and years ago – that if this thing broke up or if Angelo died, I’d take up right where he left off. But it became immediately apparent to me that that didn’t feel right. At all. This is not the way to start. Or to continue. Because it was rotten. More than just Angelo. He had a lot of people convinced that his manipulations and lies were totally necessary. He had them convinced of that. I know because I used to be one of those people. Long ago. And even when that changed, I didn’t leave. I stayed with the group so long because I had my own platform to say what I needed to say. So that kept me there and I felt like I was doing a service in spite of him really. And it became increasingly more that.