Ryker 19: Saying Goodbye

In hindsight, I wish that I could have literally said exactly what I felt instead of having to edit. Because I knew how far I cold go (without getting kicked out basically.) And I wish I could have gone as far as I wanted to with everybody. I wish I could have stood up in class and called him on his shit in his face. I did that the last couple of classes and I was quickly drowned out by everyone. All of his cohorts. Drowned right out. And people who knew the truth too did not stand up for me either so I was just completely alone. So I see how well that would have gone over years ago. Forget it. I would have been just completely demonized and no one would have believed it. So I regret that. But looking back, I don’t think I could have done anyting else than what I’ve done.

We bought into it. A sincere heart wants to keep growing and, whether you liked Angelo or not, this was your family and community. And there was comfort in that. When someone confronted him… there was a basic rule, “You don’t question the master.” That’s it. That’s the basic rule. If you don’t live a life of surrender. You’re in your ego. It was just set up that way. It wasn’t an option to criticize him. So no one is going to stick up for a person that’s criticizing him. And instantly Angelo would start using all their secrets (that came out in therapy) to shoot them down. So there’s just no way to get any kind of leverage or proof or truth or anything when it comes to that. People were just demonized and they left. And they had “Gone back into the world and into their ego” if they left. Turns out a couple of people that left have been meditating for the past 10 years. They have literally become Sadhus. Literally. They have no worldly possessions and they’re living in India or somewhere, and all they do is meditate. Way more sincere than all the people that are still with Angelo. Or even me for that matter. About their meditation practice. So that was one more judgment that I found out was completely wrong.

I do feel that I was brainwashed. Because I completely bought Angelo’s value system. And being so young, I invited it. Because I hadn’t developed one of my own yet. I didn’t know what was going on and I wanted some kind of direct guidance. I really desired someone who knew more than me to guide me. I wanted that a lot and so I just accepted it. Because what he was offering was different than what I knew. And it was rebellious and irreverent and I liked that. And again, it just kept going and going and going. Brainwashed? I used to think there was no such thing. But I’m convinced now that there is. Because I’m finding it extremely difficult to purge all of Angelo’s values and ideas out of me. To find my genuine truth. I’ve accepted a lot of his beliefs as my own. Without questioning them and I’m having to question each one of those now. And it’s taken a lot of time and a lot of pain. So brainwashed? Yes. In the conventional sense of the word. What most people mean by that. Maybe no more than you are brainwashed by your parents and having to accept their values or rebel against them. But yes. On one level, yes, I was brainwashed.

I got the opportunity to say a LOT of things to Angelo for years before leaving. I told him I didn’t like that he was turning into guru that had to be worshiped. I told him that years ago. I told him about the ideas of his being clairvoyant and everything were unnecessary.. that he was beautiful enough without having to do that. “You have what people need. And you don’t have to be clairvoyant or anything like that.” Again, I didn’t know about so many of these other things that were going on at the time. Towards the very end… when he was calling me… I was just quiet. Because I knew it was over. It was falling apart and he could not hear a single thing I said. He dismissed everything I’d say. So it was like talking to a wall. It was ridiculous. A long time ago he stopped listening to me. He just dismissed me out of hand. I’m sure in his mind, he really thinks that I betrayed him. I mean, I think he is totally convinced of that.

In my opinion, what is a master? It’s great that you ask the question in that way. Because that’s all anyone can have is an opinion of what a master is. What a real master is, I don’t know. What I’d like to think a master is, is someone who leads each person to their individual awakening and liberates them so they walk this earth without anything between them and God. And gives them their own freedom and awakening. So much so that he has to be thrilled even if they surpass him in their understanding and enjoyment and blissfullness of God. He would be happy and would go and learn from them. To me that’s what a master would be. Is Angelo that? No, absolutely not. He is not a master. Not even close. You can’t know really. He called himself a master but it was more a moniker than an actual stage of realization. It didn’t matter. It was just a formality to me. I never thought he was a master. I’d call him that. I’d refer to him as that. Because it’s a traditional thing in spiritual circles. But no one can know what a master is unless you’re a master yourself. You can’t. So that’s a very convenient screen for him to hide behind. He can do whatever he wants and say “I’m the master. You can’t question me” He used that a lot as it turns out. You can’t know what a master is.